3.14159

My husband,

I love you.

Happy 3 years of living our vows, every day.

We've gone through the shit, and we have had a few glorious moments which I can hope I will never forget.

We have had our days and even short weeks of triumph and an even more precious bond.

You still make me laugh. You still teach me things, every day.

You introduced me into a world of new adventures, new images. You taught me what "Steampunk" was (and was NOT), and you welded me a throne- "For my Queen" you said. I still have it, and will as long as I live.

You crafted me matching Steampunk Goggles to your own; but with all the details for me.

The "something blue" from our wedding is kept inside the Codex you made.

You introduced me to the 9th Doctor, and in turn I showed you the 8th, and who *my* Doctor was growing up. We enjoyed laughing at the humour of Tom Baker together.

After our first real and proper date you had my heart when you said you would be happy to just to watch "Serenity" with me- no pressure for anything more than sharing a love of Joss. We did.

You showed me what the Firefly RPG was. I showed you my film collection and musicals; you had me laughing my pants off at your Jeeves & Wooster collection.

You introduced me to so many mediums of Science-Fiction I did not know existed. We bonded over shared hobbies, and you introduced me to some shows and writers I aspire to be like. You introduced me to strong creative women like Jane Espenson, Marti Noxon, and Cherie Priest.

I introduced you to my favourite female authors like Syne Mitchell and Laurie R King.

You were fine and happy that we proposed to each other.

You loved having a bride who wore a Red, not White, dress.

You wore a kilt for me.

We had two days of Honeymoon looking at Steam Trains. My heart was so big to see how happy you were around those engines and steel and steam.

You worked for me, while you could. You wrote for me.

We shared books, and stories.

You had me read "Watchmen"; and we both took a love story from that. Never knowing then how true it would really be.

You respected how having Aspergers' makes me- different. My "death shadow" never scared you. You were interested in learning about what I was in school for. You were not scared that I was around dead humans. You were proud of the work I did. You told me often.

You made me feel that even though it was often confusing, I could in fact, love that deeply.

You helped me to understand my feelings, understand what the stimulus was. Understand the motivation that falls in line with what we consider to be "unconditional love".

You built me a garden. Twice.

You took me to 'Cons. You gave me the chance to meet some of my favourite actors and idols.

You spent years bonding with my cat, even when she was not nice at all.

You care. My Wash, you care.

You have always been supportive of who I am, what I love, and what I care about.

You give me the motivation and inspiration to always be better, to be patient, to be kind, to be loving.

You are the person I want to touch as I fall asleep every night. You are the person I want to speak my last words to every night, "I love you".

You push me to keep living, every day.

Even in the bad times, you are still my best friend.

I will take happily every day I am allowed to wake up next to you, my love. For however long we get.

Happy 3rd Wedding Anniversary.

Whatever I do for you, I can hope it is a reflection of the love you have given to me.

Thank you for these 3 years of being my husband.

Thank you for being my Wash.

I love you.

Deny the Lie

This is a busy and stressful week for us.

Wash meets with his Oncologist, his Neurologist will check the MRI he's having tomorrow (again, barring any Insurance Fuckery) and at the end of the week he goes in for a follow up/diagnostic with his Radiologist- since not too many of GBM patients will make it two years out after 42 days of radiation to the brain, Wash needs to get checked. They will do some tests to make sure he is not showing signs of developing different cancers from the treatment (apparently Leukemia is common) and check his mental status.

Wash is pretty scared of this week. I don't blame him. I'm scared too. I want him to be "stable" still. I want another MRI where they tell us, "Nope, no new tumors!". Every time we go the odds grow more and more against us, but I still have to Hope.

I have seen what happens, what is to come for the End. I'm not ready to face that yet. Neither is he.

Sadly though, this testing week always sends him regressing. He is acting about 4-8 years old for the past few days. Very very distracted, just wants to play with toys or games, not interested in talking, reading, creating. He's Depressed and scared. I'm hoping if we have some good medical news this week it will help, I'm also going to talk to the Dr about adding on another Anti-Depressant for Wash. He does not have the high Quality of Life right now he deserves or can have. We're not rich at all, I barely can make ends meet each week let alone the month, but there are things we can both do for free to keep happy- he lately has just had no interest.

I feel like shit as I have not gotten around to writing all my Christmas thank-you notes yet. Dear Readers, they are coming. Wash takes my attention and priority first. I feel bad though still, I wish I had more time or more help.

We have had some good moments in the past few days, absolutely. But, when terminal cancer is literally your life, the day you find out just how sick or stable you are can be defining. And Wash has that day every 6-8 weeks. Mentally, that is a lot of stress.

As hard as it is, and some days I feel ready to give up myself, I want to keep writing. I want this record here after he is gone. I want to be able to really remember how the days were spent, how my emotions played, and I want to recall who my husband was. Not a perfect man, but entirely wonderfully, beautifully, human.

Sadly, even daily time in the garden in the back has not helped his mood.

I have to be the one to be Hopeful for the both of us.

Emotions

I did a video update/blog for today.