Smiles

Ending my day with a nice note.

I finally found the storage drive that Wash had loaded all our photos on. I have not seen it since early 2009.
So, I found a lot of wonderful photos that we took in 2008 when we first met and got engaged.

Before the cancer.

Very different smiles than at the end of 2009.

It felt like seeing the person I knew and fell in love with all over again. Without actually having him around this time.

It's bittersweet, but right now I have to hold onto every memory.
Remember every smile, every laugh.
Remember how much he said he loved me.
How he said he was happy.

How we planned to spend the rest of our lives.

I go to bed every night hoping to dream of him.

JTOP gets a Shoutout

Wash had a tough week. He was very much himself, which can sometimes be painful for me; he knows how far gone he is, how much he has lost.

The up side to that is he was feeling in control enough to finally go see "Brave" tonight.

It was lovely. We went with a college friend of mine and got to catch up with her for a while after the movie too. We might start meeting weekly to chat and catch up.

My morning was hard. I was crying a lot and trying not to sink into a real depression. Since Wash has been more "present" he asks me a lot of things that make him sad; and me too.

It was a wonderful blessing to get to go out tonight.

We had a packed small theatre, but the kids were pretty well behaved. More so, the parents were super attentive to their children and kept them quiet and were very careful to not interrupt or disturb the other patrons when they had their 6-8 potty breaks. There was even a baby; but ze slept through almost everything and when ze whined a little bit, zher mum took zher right out so as not to disturb anyone else.

Perfect way to do it.

Wash was dancing in his seat the whole movie through. He bumped my broken toe a couple times on accident, but I just dealt with it.

The good part for me was the way he would reach over to hold my hand during the movie. The way he squeezed it at the few scary/dramatic scenes. His smile at the end of it. Then, the best part; during the credits (of course we stay for the Easter Egg!) Wash spotted the name of a Pixar worker he knew and acted with back from the bay area. Apparently, he also had his nickname in the credits, which made Wash literally stand out of his seat and "Whoop" in joy for his friends' success.

That's the kind of person Wash is; he cares and he loves and enjoys seeing his friends and family succeed and be happy.

We came home and saw some friends sent him 2 more LEGO sets. Now he has some Ewoks! He really does adore those blocks, and they do seem to help his cognition. Double happiness.

I started my day with 90s music, good comedy, and Phil Hartman to stop my tears.

I'm ending my night with bagpipes echoing around me, a huge smile on the face of the man I love, and a feeling of love and friendship in my heart.

Hope comes in many different forms to me.

I'm starting to feel some again.

Security

Some good news;

AHCCCS and SNAP benefits will continue! Apparently we ARE still broke, sick, and dying! It feels so odd to celebrate retaining our health insurance.

I also got my new glasses today. They are my first proper prescription in about 4 years (Thank you for the donations to help me SEE) and fitted for me and my eyes.

I can bloody well see. I can see details, I can see things without glare, without light halos.

Also, my house has SO MUCH DIRT and clutter. Before, it was all just kind of a group of gray lumps.... ugh. It's going to be hard not to clean too much and confuse Wash.

He's having a better day. Still a lot of memory loss, but it seems to me like he's forgotten his bad days from earlier this week and his severe depression seems to have eased. Though, it is still daytime and some days he is fine until sundown/sunset. At least in summer now he will get a little more light/sun. I managed to get him out for a walk at night when it was cooler a few days ago- he's gone from a walk every other day or so to around once a week now.

His muscles are going to atrophy soon. I try to convince him to move, but some days he doesn't have it in him.

If he doesn't remember I am not going to bring up his bad days from this week. Better he doesn't remember the pain or sadness. I can hope he can just move on past it.

I have had a nice few moments with my husband, a few chances for some (perhaps, last) memories. Emotionally, it's like taking a bowling ball to the stomach, but I have to focus on the good few minutes that happen, those quiet times where I can remember the man I fell in love with, or even remember more about myself, who I was.

I have to try every day to make it all count.

Sheet pans

Wash had a mostly great day yesterday. He was in a good mood, amicable to help out, able to communicate fully, and not super depressed. Good times, for us!

But, after his evening nap again, he kinda just... much more sensitive. I reminded him to call his parents on Skype and that went mostly well. Wash is still trying to learn how to assert himself when his parents bring up something he doesn't want to/can't talk about. It's hard for him, but mentally is it necessary; he just cannot mentally take talking about certain things.

My knee hurts. We had a pressure change and weather system blow in last night. My poor cats, though! I know Aelphie was kicked by me once last night, then she stayed off the bed, and Leto got it at least three times, and just came right back and laid right down on top of my legs again. My knee spasmed so much in the night. I'm glad the DireCat seemed to know I wasn't doing it on purpose.

Wash's meds were adjusted again after his bad night on Monday, and we should know if the side effects are worse for him on a lower dose (because he's just sleeping) or if the rage from the higher steroids is "worth" it as a side effect for the extra few hours he has in the afternoon without fatigue. His Hospice Nurse is checking on him again Fri.

We have the Chaplain coming over today though. We both adore her. She is GREAT at listening, and even better at gently giving good advice. I enjoy her company.

Going to try and have a good day. Focus on the good things. Smell the wetness from rain in the desert.

Another thanks to everyone for sending us love. Positive thoughts never hurt.

Speak Friend and Enter

Wash said this about his gift from me on Saturday night;

"My wife's 'Leslie Knope' anniversary gift to me: A steakhouse dinner with friends and then an awesome adventure movie after. My inner Ron Swanson smiles."

I'm happy my husband is pleased. Yay!

I enjoyed highly my own little bridal/anniversary party.

Details and photos to come.

I think waking up today, feeling happy and loved, is something to celebrate.