Pandora

I quite dislike how monitary woes can bother me while I am trying to learn and grow and focus on myself. 

Also disliking that I have to battle my utility company when I return home, and that I have no idea how to pay rent, phone, or Internet when I return. All things I will need for job searching. Even affording a bus pass right now is beyond my means. 

I am trying to not worry, but failing. 

I just want a break from this constant stress I have been dealing with the last 4 years. 

I am not "starting over" I am thrown back and have to find my way, uphill, in the dark, through thickets just to get to A starting point; a new one. Because I will never be able to be "over" my husband, and I never should have to- or be told to. I am having to change my ENTIRE life, still dealing with the literal and figurative baggage of Wash. 

I want to get to a healthy place. I want routine and structure. I want to share our story, my story, his; with everyone I can. 

I am sick of being thought of as an "invisible" widow due to my age, or the children we tried for and could not have, or the length of my marriage (which should not be ANY factor at all, but apparently is). I am tired of being told that I am "still young". I am all too aware of my age- in a physical sense and in terms of how much I have *lived* in my life. 

I want peace. I want to truly be (fully) happy again. I want to not think about the horrid debt I am in as what Wash passed along to me. I want to remember the good. 

I want to learn to trust again. I am terrified of that, but I desire it. 

I miss the simple things like hugs, holding hands, sharing a meal- or at least not cooking for one. 

I want comfort. 

I want Security; even if that alone comes solely from my own self. 

It is hard work, this; Widowhood. 

It is hard, hard, and often sad work. 

I want to smile again and mean it, often.

I am starting to get some of that here, in Tzfat. I will have to deal with the rest when I return to my other desert home. 

I am thankful for the love and strength he gave to me, and every day for the friends and caring ones who support(ed) us, and my own self. 

I dream about the day I will wake up happy again. I have to Hope it will come at some point. I have nothing else but Hope. 

I am Pandora, clinging to the last bit in the Box. 

Tzfat Journal 2July

So, Monday we had a great class on the Tanya in the afternoon which was intense, but really challenging in a good way. Dinner was light, but good: salads with potatoes (sweet potatoes boiled in an oil based pepper sauce) and chicken. I went out after out last class of the night which was an impromptu class on balancing the good and bad intentions and urges we all have to become closer to G-D. I went walking first with another girl, and we did a circuit of the whole top of Tzfat, then I came back and reviewed notes with two of the other girls. We discussed some things from the weeks before I got here, so I learned a bit more background. After that I went out with 3 other girls and we hit the "foods street" and had some pizza (sauce was VERY sweet, but the cheese was soooo good) and just talked. I learned a lot about some of my classmates, and I had a good time opening up about my own past. We then stopped to get some ice cream (Parve for everyone not me, because I did not eat meat, so no need to wait on dairy!) and I tried a few flavours-all good- but settled on "Israeli Coffee" which was a mix of espresso and cardamom.
We did another long walk to help digest and burn some calories and ended up checking out a little store (pretty much like a tiny Circle K) down the block. Ran into some really... pushy/flirty Israeli guys, but thankfully we just stayed in the store until they left. Nothing to worry about.
I ended up back at MA a bit after midnight, and only read until 2am or so. An early night for me!
Today (Tues) we were supposed to leave for a local tour at 9am, but our guide was running late. So, we ended up actually heading out after 10. We stopped by the grave of Rab. Y. Ben-Cairo and stayed to pray there. It was a moving experience for me. It was unlike any other meditation I have ever had; I felt so still and so able to focus my entire mind on just one prayer, one thought of Peace, and I felt so quiet on the inside. I hope to repeat this again before I leave. From there we went up a local mountain (really just a bit further up than the main city of Tzfat) to Yavnit Mount. It was like being in Northern Arizona. Pine forests. The smells up there were just so wonderful and clear. There were flowers blooming, and birds, and so many butterflies today! We took a long hike up to a few different vantage points and were able to see the valley below Tzfat, the hill that borders the Sea of Galilee, and the hazy south part of the Golan Heights where the Israel border ends. Further on the walk we were able to see into Syria, a portion of Lebanon, and just past a bit of mountain; Jordan.
We ended by visiting the graves of two local Tzaddeken who are buried in a cave more than 2800 years old. There is still a portion of the retaining wall left up from the Roman invasion in 70-74CE. (I have plenty of photos I will send along, do not worry.) The cave was not terrible deep or long, but very cool temperature wise, and was lightly maintained by the Israeli Antiquities Department. It was a truly hard to describe event. Standing in a place that people had visited to pray at for almost 3000 years. Mind blowing.
We also saw the border guards' station (in front of the retaining wall are the IDF barracks) which has been a defence outpost for almost 2000 years straight. Currently it is managing the "iron dome" which protects the border and border cities like Tzfat from missiles. Our tour guide told us about the bombing going on over the last 20-30 years: including having a SCUD missile land in her backyard! Literally. Blew out parts of the kitchen, left huge holes from shrapnel, and shattered 22 windows and the frames. They had a shelter and her children were all playing in the front yard, so no one got even a scratch. I cannot even imagine the moments of terror that would produce.
The last class before lunch today was on the "Song of Songs" and how even those who have just begun to study are blessed by G-D; it is the fierceness of the heart to learn Torah, not just the actual studying. Pretty interesting. We have another class on the same topic on Thursday.
For lunch today we had grilled eggplant/aubergine with a sweet turnip/potato like vegetable. Also a salad of quinoa and mixed fresh vegetables with a tasty vinegar based dressing. I went across the street and also picked up a plum, nectarine, and mango to munch on for today/tonight. The fruit seller is quite nice and knows all the "girls" at MA and is quick to speak English to those of us not fluent in Hebrew. The foods there are just so varied and amazing; it is like the Farmer's Market across the street from my home! They also have prickly pear cactus pads and fruit, but it is called "paddle cactus" here. No saguaro, of course. The fruits are all in season and grown in the country. I saw a bunch of fields as I was coming in to Tzfat at the end of last week: corn, sunflowers, wheat, and of course, lots and lots of grapes.
Classes this afternoon will be more Torah reading then another Tanya class; which I am really loving so far. The same Rabbi who teaches us Tanya also teaches one night in the evening at a local synagogue, so as far as I know plans are for about 6 of us to go to the "extra" class he teaches on Wed evening. It is very dense material, with so much meaning in every single word, not just the overall sentences and stories, but I find that type of challenge to be something my brain really feels good about thinking on. Then after dinner tonight we have another Farbregin (Jewish joke- we will Far-Bring-It-On!) which will go from about 8pm to perhaps midnight or even later. I will likely call it an early night though and try to get a bit more rest after doing so much physical work in the last day and so.

I am sleeping very well, and I have 3 or more girls who are all taking turns to help me learn to read and speak Hebrew. I plan to go down to a store tomorrow on my break and get some "kid" workbooks to help me practice. The food is good, and I am trying to eat something new/different each day, and saying "yes" to one new thing each day too. I am often getting out of my comfort zone, but that was a reason why I came. I might be scared or nervous, but I am here to do and learn and experience as much as I can in the time I have here. I am getting more used to the schedule, which means it feels like the days are starting to pass a bit faster. I am not sure yet if this is a good or bad or neutral thing.

I will be sending along photos from the hike today, and when I am back I will go over them all in detail. I also took a short "panorama" movie today too; the view was just too beautiful to leave to still photographs alone.

Tzfat Journal ent. 1

Alright, so my first Monday here! Second full day of school/classes.
There was a farbregen (celebration) for a girl who has a birthday last night and they started around 9pm laughing and singing and eating and finished around 3am. I went to bed early, as I do not like long jet-lags. I could hear the other girls singing outside my window as I fell asleep though and it was so beautiful.
It has been chilly enough at night here with a good wind that I have a light comforter I sleep with. During the day we just keep the windows open for most of the classes; only one room in part of the newer building actually has A/C. But, for the large part it is not needed. The highs are only barely 90sF, and the lows hit the lower 70sF. There is usually a breeze coming in from the mountains around Galilee which also keeps the city cooler. I did see a lot of stars coming in a night when I arrived. Seems not much light pollution here. I hope to have a chance to really star-gaze later on.
Food has been good; keeping Kosher and vegetarian is really not at all a problem here and there is plenty for me to eat. We have hard boiled eggs , tomatoes, cucumbers, bread, cereal, lebni (like a thick sour yoghurt) and oatmeal that we can choose from for our breakfasts. Lunch is usually some kind of salad or plates of mixed vegetables, there is usually a fish based dish to the side (today was tuna) and something that was pickled. Cucumbers, beets, cabbage... I am trying to try one new food or dish per day. Dinners are filling and there is a large salad, some meat dish, fresh bread from a bakery down the street, eggs or a cooked bean dish, and there is never enough hummus. (Truth. Never enough hummus. It is just too good.) Some days we also have a soup dish. Usually carrot based. Dessert has been copious: fresh melons and other local fruits- delicious beyond mention (grapes, mangoes, plums, pears...). There are some Israeli sweets, candies. A sweet-bread of some kind (like a softer ruggeleh), salted baked crunchy pita... so much good food. The wine as well is just amazing. It is all made in Israel, some of it close by to Tzfat (in the Golan region), some closer to the South. There are pomegranates growing next door, and the garden here has squash and melons growing, grapes, and we have at least 3 fruiting olive trees on property. I have been told two of the olive trees in the front are at LEAST 2000 years old, as dated by an expert. The trunks are more than a metre in dia. and have an ancient look to them, while still growing leaves and fruiting.
Classes today covered our weekly Parsha; which is two this week actually. My Hebrew lessons are continuing and I'm starting to recognize a few short words outside of just the Aleph-bet. Since I am in the 'lower' classes (for people who have not studied much before, or have not gone to a Seminary before, or do not speak/read Hebrew fluently) I had lessons this morning on Halachic laws- today we went over some of the most common issues that come up on Shabbos that are not halal (proper). Next week we will go over cooking rules (called Kashrut). We had some history of Israel today too, mostly discussing the 15th Century BCE and the movement of the Western European Jews from the expulsion during the Inquisition (both of Spain and Portugal) migrating to Israel. Some of the lessons next week will also focus on the local geography. We are to study the geography of Israel from the Torah days and the current. These are real tough classes; I am taking pages and pages of notes for each class. I have one notebook but I will likely need two or three more before I complete my term here. I am not upset about this; I really enjoy a challenge mentally and these classes so far seem like they will challenge, in a good way.
Since it is the Yardheitz (death anniversary) of a Tzaddik (Rabbi or very respect person) today we have a field trip up to his grave at a local cemetery, and dinner in his honour tonight. I think my student/tutor class this afternoon will be on the Tanya, unless I can convince someone to study Hebrew again with me. We have more Tanya classes per week than any others, so I am guessing there will be a lot of material to cover, or else it is dense. Either way, I am excited and hope that it becomes something I enjoy.
I am sleeping well, eating well, and wake up early enough to have plenty of hot water for my shower. (I have a small WC in-suite with a built in shower.) Laundry however, is 10NIS per load, which means for now I am doing most of my gentle washing in a bucket in my bathroom. I am ok with this; Boy Scout Camp was much "rougher"!  
  I know it is hot back in Phx, but I am so glad I am not there! I will try not to rub it in too much.
The library is large and wonderful; both in English and Hebrew. I still need to try a little harder to socialize with the other girls. I am still bad at that and most of the time just don't know what to say or contribute. But, I still have time to work on this. There are a couple girls who seem to be making an effort to get to know me, so I am going to try to open up and gain some friends.
From the roof I can see so much of the city, and the architecture is a mixture of hundreds of years old buildings and homes, and new additions from this century. We ended this past Shabbos up on the roof, watching the sun set behind the mountains. I need to try and find the time to come back up and take photos of this to share; it is a breathtaking sight, truly. The stained glass here is incredible and I hope I have time to find and ask a tour guide locally about it. The doors here, many of them are painted blue, which has significance, but I am not sure yet of what. I can ask though, and I plan to. I think it is related in some way to Kaballah. There are a few main paved roads, but most of it is made of small cobble-stoned streets or stairs; plenty of room for a bicycle, people walking, or a horse, but not so much cars. I rarely hear traffic even though we are on a paved street in front. However, I find it amusing that drivers here communicate by honking. Often and loudly, but since there is such little traffic it does not disturb me that much.
The "Artist's" section of town was fun to wander through. We did a walking tour through it on Friday before Shabbos. Some of the things are just breathtaking; there are watercolours here, silversmiths, jewellers, and many local craftsmen. I have seen such beautiful carved or smithied meuzzehs I want to take them all home! I will fill in on this past (first) Shabbos experience soon.


I am trying hard to focus on myself, and personal growth here and not just mope about missing Wash, or the kitties, or my "safety" and known life back home. Which is hard, but needed. Mentally and rationally I know I need this to grow, to adapt, to let myself find the "me" that exists without him, but emotionally, I do wish he was around so I could share this with him, tell him about the buildings here, show off the architecture and what I am learning in classes- everything one would share with their best friend and partner. So, it is a hard adjustment to know I lack that. But, I am working on it.
Love and Peace from the Holy Land!