Veni domum

I was gone this weekend out to Gold Canyon for the wedding of two of Wash's fraternity brothers.

It was beautiful and moving beyond words I have right now. I'll process some and write more.




It was also my first wedding I've been to alone/without a partner/ since Wash passed.
So, a lot of emotions.


I had a really good session for about 3 hours on Fri morning with Hospice grief services. It was helpful in many ways, and I have some reading resources to explore, and I'll have a standing appointment either weekly or bi-weekly. Which, again, is better than anything AHCCCS provides.

So, I thankfully have a few new tools to help me process some of my emotions from this weekend.

Thank you all. I'll catch you up in a bit.

Happiest Pi day of my life

Cannot erase our love

Small Photo break today.

I see these Post-It notes he left every day. I see them, read them, and remind myself of his words often.

I have been feeling hurt, angry, and rage filled lately at the opinion of some who by all seeming means, are literally trying to erase me from my husband's life.
Erase what we had.
What he did for me, what I did for him.
Erase the last years of his life.
Erase his happy smiles.

I am angry, because to me, Wash's love for me was just so obvious. Hopefully as my love was to him.
Clear and ever present.
He was the best thing to happen to me, and often said I was the same to him.
That cannot be taken away.


Love find ways to stay, even if the person who loved is no longer around.
His words are. His message. His intent.
His love.

***********************************************************************************

"Future me:
Be excellent to Tashi Today!
Past me"

"Is it possible for me to love my wife... more than I do?
I do hope so."

"Tashi, you deserve far more than what I have to offer. But I'll give you what I can for as long as I can.
Because I love you.
Wash"

Waiting on the Giggle Loop

Hard morning.

First Monday; first start of a week (and New Year) without the man I expected to spend my life with.

I'm hoping to bring him home today.

I feel too young today. Too young, too hurt.

It's like the most perverted cultural opposite; this time I will be carrying his ashes over our threshold.

How does one even prepare for that moment?

I've been trying to be/sleep at home more. Some nights I can do it, some nights I cannot.

It hurt waking up today.

It hurt to hear the kitties cry. They have food, water, litter.

They just miss their Dad. I do too.

Aelphie and I had each other for a few years before Wash came around. It took her most of a year to even accept him.

Leto has only EVER known life with his dad. His whole existence has been keeping his dad company through the day. It hurts to see them confused and not have the words to let them know he is not coming back.

I have good moments and bad. Good minutes, bad hours.

I hear the ticking of Wash's pocketwatch. I've been keeping it wound for him.

Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick.

One, two, three, four.

He still carries my heartbeat.

I'm wondering if I should watch Firefly, BSG, Doctor Who, or Torchwood for him today.