JTOP gets a Shoutout

Wash had a tough week. He was very much himself, which can sometimes be painful for me; he knows how far gone he is, how much he has lost.

The up side to that is he was feeling in control enough to finally go see "Brave" tonight.

It was lovely. We went with a college friend of mine and got to catch up with her for a while after the movie too. We might start meeting weekly to chat and catch up.

My morning was hard. I was crying a lot and trying not to sink into a real depression. Since Wash has been more "present" he asks me a lot of things that make him sad; and me too.

It was a wonderful blessing to get to go out tonight.

We had a packed small theatre, but the kids were pretty well behaved. More so, the parents were super attentive to their children and kept them quiet and were very careful to not interrupt or disturb the other patrons when they had their 6-8 potty breaks. There was even a baby; but ze slept through almost everything and when ze whined a little bit, zher mum took zher right out so as not to disturb anyone else.

Perfect way to do it.

Wash was dancing in his seat the whole movie through. He bumped my broken toe a couple times on accident, but I just dealt with it.

The good part for me was the way he would reach over to hold my hand during the movie. The way he squeezed it at the few scary/dramatic scenes. His smile at the end of it. Then, the best part; during the credits (of course we stay for the Easter Egg!) Wash spotted the name of a Pixar worker he knew and acted with back from the bay area. Apparently, he also had his nickname in the credits, which made Wash literally stand out of his seat and "Whoop" in joy for his friends' success.

That's the kind of person Wash is; he cares and he loves and enjoys seeing his friends and family succeed and be happy.

We came home and saw some friends sent him 2 more LEGO sets. Now he has some Ewoks! He really does adore those blocks, and they do seem to help his cognition. Double happiness.

I started my day with 90s music, good comedy, and Phil Hartman to stop my tears.

I'm ending my night with bagpipes echoing around me, a huge smile on the face of the man I love, and a feeling of love and friendship in my heart.

Hope comes in many different forms to me.

I'm starting to feel some again.

Breathtaking

We've had a good couple days. Nothing real different or changing about them, but perhaps, my own attitude.

I've been trying all day, and will continue to do so, to be positive and kind and thankful. I can mourn on other days, today should be for unity and happiness.

We were getting ready for the Eclipse this weekend; Wash could not remember if it was a solar or lunar one so I had to keep telling/reminding him. At the same time, the more details he wanted the more I also began to process that likely this would be his last one he ever saw. We're not due for another 17 years or so; as far as I know David M. Bailey went about 15 years with GBM. I don't think Wash will have that luck.

When we were kids we made the pinhole projectors to watch the last one on; around '91 I think. This time, as adults, we actually had proper equipment; high grade welding masks.

Wash used to weld; back as a side hobby when he was in Architecture school and interning. He welded me my throne in our backyard! Talented guy; and he had his own (cheaper, basic model) mask. But, it's through a shade 10-11 so pretty good for protection.

A few months into us dating and I spotted a mask someone had not-properly thrown away and cleaned it up and gave it to Wash; it was a super nice model graded to 13-14, solar/electric so it has a sensor that turns on depending on the light intensity. I wish he had had more of a chance to use it. So, the masks have been sitting off tucked away for a few years and now we had the opportunity to use them! I set up a live channel with one of the telescopes in Cali/Grand Canyon and then we checked outside when it began.

It's a different vision and moment to be able to safely look at the sun and watch a solar eclipse. With the masks the sun took on a green tinge, and it was moving and beautiful in words that seem to escape me, at least in English.

We could see the moon, the shape, the form, the absolute feeling of utter insignificance in the universe... to me it was a Sagan appreciation moment.

Seeing the moon; our small sattelite, grow in perception to the size of the Star; the Sun... it amazes my mind in a way to place a new perspective on things. Short of firsthand going in space and seeing the Earth reduced to a blue marble, it reminded me of some of the first nights I watched the stars in a telescope. There's a wonder to seeing other worlds and objects- so far away that some are dead by the time we even see their light here, it moves my heart. To know that I am so small, so tiny a part of everything, but still wondrous and unique in my own way is moving.

We had a bunch of the neighbours come out and we shared the masks around so others could see it. Our friend Andy* came by (he's wearing the Bald Eagle mask in the pic above) and watched it with us. Met a few folks who live at the new retirement home down the block too! It was friendly, and both Wash and I got to share some astronomy lessons with those around us.

The "ring of fire" for us happened quite fast and I only caught a short glimpse. I was still moved. I know Wash enjoyed the whole thing, being with me and new friends, getting to teach others, and seeing a wondrous event for the last time.

I feel humbled. Looking at the sky going dark, the moon covering up the sun, I could image hundreds of years ago the utter fear that might inspire. The spark of human creativity as well; the need to know why it was happening, what was going on? I felt connected to every other human across the world who has seen our Earth go dark. Felt the wonder of the great WHY, felt connected to know that others were watching the very same thing all around our blue globe.

A great and utter insignificance, and yet, with every thought and feeling, a personal importance and presence.

As the Sun, Moon, Earth, and all stars exists, so too do I. My thoughts remain.

I think I have a greater appreciation for who my husband was today. Why he was so utterly devoted and passionate about space and beyond, exploration and discoveries, and the never ending pursuit of personal knowledge. His passion was certainly attractive when we met, and to some degree it remains inside him, but I wonder if yesterday when I was watching that eclipse, if perhaps as well as with the mask, I was watching it for the first time with the wonder and eyes of my husband and best friend. With the feelings of someone who wanted his cremains sent out in little rockets; with the hope to someday join the rest of the mass and energy in space.

Wash appreciated/s the Cosmos almost like no one else I've known. It comes out in his love of astronomy and his own telescope we have, as well as his love of watching and reading about space- fictional or not. He writes short stories about being in space, and they make up the bulk of our book and video libraries.

I will hope when the next solar eclipse comes around that if my husband is not standing next to me that his cremains, or even just his energy moved from the mass that Once Was is somewhere in our universe, watching the same show, seeing the stars and planets align and feeling joined to it all like I do.

For now, I think his passion lives inside me. I can hope to do it justice.

Even more so, I hope to live to see Wash in some way, sent to space.

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Trivia time; Wash's most often read books? (not anymore, but before he got real sick)

-Cosmos by Sagan

-To The Stars by George Takei (autographed too!)

-The Star Trek Companion (he's got one for each series)

-The Foundation Trilogy by Asimov

-Fallingwater Rising

-Dune

-Firefly, Still Flying

The man loves the universe.

It's all right with me

Reasons why I love my husband and his personality?

We're watching a program on some guys who designed a 'prison break' - and one of the convicts is a very heavyset man- compared to his fellow prisoners and most population. Wash is watching the re-enactments and says, "Wow, that guy should have been hitting the Yard more if he was planning on running with the rest of them." About half a minute later in the show the same guy is picked up as he was "too tired" to keep running.

I find it funny that he is still able to be snarky about a show.

The photo is from this Sunday. We had such a good day, it's one of those I will have to hold onto the memories.

I decided very spur of the moment Sunday morning we should have a pic-a-nic day. We got a pic-a-nic backback/kit for our anniversary last year and never had a chance to use it. Sunday was just lovely weather wise, so I said, "Let's go outside, we'll have a pic-a-nic in the park!"

To my happiness and surprise, Wash agreed.

I packed us ginger beer, cheeses (Wisconsin, and not from Koch bros either, natch) crackers, rosemary bread, salads for us, and some fruit. We brought books and games too.

The park was filled with others out enjoying the "spring" air; but the design of Tempe Town Lake is such that there is space for so many people, and you don't feel infringed upon- we felt very secure and private. The water was nice, and there were little kids everywhere on 3 wheels or training bikes. It was just a wonderful day to be a couple, to be people and not "cancer".

We had our friend come over in the evening- the boys replaced our old destroyed door-bell with a lovely new one (it's brass and glows) and cleaned our air-vents too. Then as the "reward" (ha, we love it too) we watched a few episodes of BSG .

For my mum's birthday this week we're going to the Sugar Bowl- it's a ice cream counter that's been around for more than 50 years- my mum used to go as a kid. Ever read "Family Circus"? The ice cream parlour, the pink one? That's based off the real life Sugar Bowl. I've even taken Wash a few times. It's a bit nostalgic, without being too reminiscent of the civil inequalities of the time.

Continuing my good news theme, I am officially covered for health insurance again- yay!- and we are back on the SNAP benefits (food stamps). Now we just have to get Wash squared away with his ALTECS stuff- they are the ones that pay for Respite care and cleaning and such, not Hospice. So, I wait, and let the SW do his job.

It was nice, Sunday. It was nice to pretend, even for just a few hours, like we were normal. Like we could enjoy a day out, putting aside worries. It does not happen often enough, but I have to make the most when it does. These are the memories I will want when he is gone.