Chaz & Roger

Today my heart is with another cancer widow.

It is a horrid beast, to take the ones we love indiscriminately.



Roger, I will miss you for so many reasons.



It is my most sincere hope, if he believed in some afterlife, that he is there now, happy with Gene and access to every movie ever made.



You can read Jo's wonderful post on Roger from 2011 at the link.


Roger? Gene? Grab some popcorn, relax, and now enjoy the show.

DST

6 months.

like healing from a heart transplant that did not happen.


I can walk again, catch my breath most days.

But it feels like being post-surgical. I'm still walking around with a giant hole inside of me.
Like a much much MUCH poorer (and probably sadder and lonelier) Tony Stark.

 Everything is different but it feels like so much has remained the same.



I miss my husband. I miss his company, his jokes, his kisses, his hugs, his laugh, and I miss my best friend.
He was.


I don't have that with anyone anymore.

I do not bore of the company of myself, but I do not wish to remain alone for 360 days a year on say, the Isle of Skye or Mann. That is not a life for me either.

It is quiet here. Disconcerting to me.

Stuck inside my head

Emotionally hard morning.
Completing paperwork where I have to change my status to "widow" and explain what happened.
I had planned to spend the evening/dinner with someone, who had to cancel on me this morning.

My dreams were of Wash. We were together.

Day like today, it is hard to not feel alone.
Day like today, I just want to go back under the covers.




I will write more later.

It is mentally and emotionally difficult for me to go day after day living, with no one around who knows my name. No one to talk to me. No one to visit. No one to share activities with.
In the past two weeks I have seen one frat brother for about an hour. [And she rocks. She usually brings the puppy over to help cheer me.]
I have had one family dinner. Spent maybe 2 or so hours with my mother, more than a week ago before they went on vacation.
I have seen my (local) brother for about 4 hours. Over a week ago.


I had my Physical Therapist shake my hand Tuesday when I completed PT. A "goodbye, you did hard work!" thing.
That's been it for this week.


I suppose I should just shut up and be thankful I even have a few hours every week where someone speaks to me. And knows my name.
That's all a person needs, right?


Yesterday was the funeral and service for another local "Brain Buddy" who had the same cancer as Wash who passed this past.
I was not strong enough to attend.


I'm just depressed and lonely today.

Complete the Circle

"Everyone goes through hardships. The challenge of being a person, with compassion, is to pass that help along to the next person who needs it."


Friends, you all have done so much for Wash and myself.
You've helped to keep us in the home he wanted to die in. You are helping me to stay here right now, where I can still feel Wash around me.
You've helped us pay for food, and medicine, and cool air in the 119F heat of summer.

You helped buy clothes for Wash when the cancer changed his body shape, more than once.

Right now, I am living off of your generosity. When Wash died, our small Disability stipend stopped, so it's literally your kindness that keeps me in this home now, helps me to get food, to visit the doctor and get meds to help me cope after Wash's passing.
You are helping me to have the funds to have the memorial for Wash he did want.

I am so thankful for all of you.
I have something else to ask my readers.

I'd like you to smile right now. Chances are most of you have your teeth when you do.
Think of your morning routine, think of waking up and brushing your teeth, brushing them before bed.
Think of every smile you've given before a photo was taken of you. Yes, even the ones where you may have had braces, or a gap, or something in your teeth.

Now, I'd like you to think about my friend Mary O who cannot do that.
Like Wash, she faced cancer. Unlike him she's still around to fight. But it has cost her greatly.
Mary is in her 30s and does not have teeth. She's gone through surgery, and radiation. She has fought.
Medical Care in the US is something I could, and have, written other blog posts about.
But right now, Mary needs some teeth.

So, my friends, I'm asking you to think tomorrow when you brush your teeth.
Think about your $3.00 tube of toothpaste Mary cannot use or buy.
Think about your $2.00 toothbrush she does not have the luxury of being able to use.

I'm asking you, if you can, go to the link. Read her story. Think about your own smile; could you put a value on it? Think about taking the $5.00 you might have spent on your next toothbrush or paste and donating it so Mary can get some teeth.

As always, thank you for helping me continue to learn to Hope for Humanity.

So close

Here's to hoping it's not broken!

Wash tripped/ lost his balance and knocked his foot against one of our floor fans.

He did not think it was hurt too bad when he went to bed last night, but this morning it is purple and very very swollen and so far even with meds, still painful.

I called Hospice and am following their nurses' advice for him, but depending on the next few hours, he might have to go down to the ER for an X-Ray to confirm if it is or is not broken.

God-damned Cancer.

It would be a very small thing to a healthy person, but ultimately, Wash is not "healthy". So, we will wait, be in contact with Hospice, and just hope very hard he sprained it not broke bones.

Arigato Gozaimashta

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bUDPi5lnbA&feature=colike