Friday, November 16, 2012

Stuck inside my head

Emotionally hard morning.
Completing paperwork where I have to change my status to "widow" and explain what happened.
I had planned to spend the evening/dinner with someone, who had to cancel on me this morning.

My dreams were of Wash. We were together.

Day like today, it is hard to not feel alone.
Day like today, I just want to go back under the covers.

I will write more later.

It is mentally and emotionally difficult for me to go day after day living, with no one around who knows my name. No one to talk to me. No one to visit. No one to share activities with.
In the past two weeks I have seen one frat brother for about an hour. [And she rocks. She usually brings the puppy over to help cheer me.]
I have had one family dinner. Spent maybe 2 or so hours with my mother, more than a week ago before they went on vacation.
I have seen my (local) brother for about 4 hours. Over a week ago.

I had my Physical Therapist shake my hand Tuesday when I completed PT. A "goodbye, you did hard work!" thing.
That's been it for this week.

I suppose I should just shut up and be thankful I even have a few hours every week where someone speaks to me. And knows my name.
That's all a person needs, right?

Yesterday was the funeral and service for another local "Brain Buddy" who had the same cancer as Wash who passed this past.
I was not strong enough to attend.

I'm just depressed and lonely today.


  1. my thoughts are with you, stuck in the same boat here. It's sinking though. - Hang in there!

  2. I'm not sure if this is a particularly Jewish custom, honoring someone's memory by doing acts of kindness. Letting their energy make a positive change in the world, through you. You've already done this with your blog. Maybe someday when you are feeling stronger, you'll be able to do this in your life as well, small steps like volunteering in his memory, that may lead you down unexpected paths and to new adventures.

    And since Wash's life touched so many of us, we can all do acts of kindness in his name. I will start donating Lego to the local toy drive every year, so future architects can find the same joy in building that he did.