Monday, October 29, 2012

Hide and Seek

-My birthday was fine. I will write about it later.
-My foot is finally after approx 12 weeks, no longer broken! The Ortho cleared me, and my last Physical Therapy session is this Thursday

As far as the rest goes...
I have been in a very deep depression. Getting outside to get physical activity in every day, some days I will even speak to other people or clerks. But, I'm not really "getting out" and I'm not really going to gatherings or parties, because my anxiety kicks in overdrive at the thought of being out, and breaking down in front of others, or "ruining" something [my phrase, not anything anyone has said to me, I want to be clear.]or making my friends uncomfortable.

I'm hoping that with a bit more time, my medication will kick in a bit more and I will start to feel better.
I need to see someone, professionally.

It's painful to wake up literally crying. Or, sobbing so hard in my sleep it wakes me.
I'm getting physically sick now some evenings when the panic and memories set in.
I'm having more flashbacks, visions I cannot control.
I keep seeing certain days, certain events over and over and over.
Some mornings, it feels like my body is literally frozen in place for 30-60 minutes and all I can do is see these images and hear those voices and words and cry.
I need to deal with this.

Around the mid to end of last week I noticed a new trend; not really having emotional "ups and downs", more like a numbed baseline, and then moments of wrecking sobs.
I've been watching old horror movies that terrified me as a child now, hoping to feel something. I haven't.

A few more nightmares, unrelated to the movies, mostly it feels like I dip into a parallel word, things are not fully the same, and sometimes Wash is there. Sometimes, it is other things.
Things that I don't have words for in any language I know.
But, I don't have fear. Not "fear" in any sense of the word to my own self; no terror at the thought of my own end. So, there is a knowledge that
*I am dreaming
*I am hunted, by something
*I am not afraid of anything that can happen to me

It's odd. Everything feels odd in real, waking life.
I keep expecting to see Wash. Downstairs, in another room, somewhere.
I wake up and the bed is large, empty, and cold. My brain screams at me that it is wrong, it is SO wrong that nothing can be real. Everything feels surreal when I am awake now.
Numbness. Numbness, and a pain so deep it transcends the physical world.
What is physical pain to this?

I know my friends are trying to help, trying to support. I know my family is too; they showed it to me in heaps for my birthday.
I know you, Dear Readers, leave me such nice and encouraging messages and in a way, it does help.

But I know, I need more. This is not something I can do alone. Wash is not around to give me strength either.
Making those calls into such such SUCH a shitty insurance system, most especially for the adults with mental illnesses, it is hard. I tried it before, too many times.
I tried it right after Wash passed and I was told 2-3 months to wait before they could even have me see anyone. That, was not really helpful.

I have no way to afford to pay out of pocket for a good professional, who has experience in grief, loss at a young age, PTSD.
Magellan's history of treating patients in Arizona is not stellar, by far, but it is literally my only option right now.

So, that's about where I'm at, almost 7 weeks after --
I don't even know what to write. After he died? After he passed? After my heart stopped? After I lost my world?

The courser blinks at me, patient to my numbness and the slow pouring of words from the churned emotions inside me to the screen.

Goodnight, Dear Reader, and stay safe.


  1. Tashi, I send good thoughts and strength your way. Being on the other side of the world, I have no real concept of the US health system (other than through your struggles) but I hope you can see someone and get the help you need. You are stronger than you realise and asking for help is good.

    We are all sending you strength!

  2. I've been lurking for a while now. I've been too shy to say anything, even over the internet, but if it helps even the slightest bit: know that a stranger in California - some nerdy girl who shares your geeky interests - reads your messages and cares, and aches for you and hopes that someday you will feel better again. I check your blog every day to see how you're doing. People care.

  3. You are of course correct that our health care system is shameful. Perhaps there is some sort of support group you can go while you wait the 2-3 months ? Some people are helped by hearing and talking with other people in a group. Might even be better than what minimal care you get from the gov't plans.

    1. Sadly, again, even the Group Therapy that is covered by my insurance won't help; I don't have an anger problem, or drug problem, and those are the Adult groups they have open. Anything more specific and you have to be screened into them first, which happens after they assign a therapist, which could be 2013 for me.

      Also, I've mentioned in the past, I do not feel comfortable in group therapy.
      I did the Brain Tumor Support Group for Wash and it nearly broke me every month.
      It hurts in ways I will hurt to avoid, to go and see other families with children. Other families with grandchildren. Other families with jobs, with homes, with a "better" prognosis... I can't be comfortable in a group when I'm mourning everything they have that I cannot and never will.

      It's why I've put myself away.
      Right now, other people being happy with even the smallest bits of their lives make me feel like SHIT, because I'm so depressed, I cannot see anything good of my own.

  4. Hi Tashi,
    I sent you a birthday present but I just got an email from Amazon that it hasn't been delivered yet- not sure why! Keep an eye out for it and hang in there- this too shall pass. Eventually.


  5. Tashi -- Call your hospice people -- I know the program here where I live had a 1 year support group for people who had lost some one. Even if your hospice program doesn't they may be able to direct you to someone who can help you.

  6. You also might try a large church, I know the one I attend has several counselors and does not charge or charges like 5 to 10 dollars.

    I know that even if you don't attend the church ours will help you out so it might be worth a try.

    God bless you and know that another nerdy girl in Texas is praying for you.

  7. Tashi, my heart goes out to you. I read your blog often and send prayers and positive thoughts your way every day. I am down in Tucson, and if you ever need anything, I would do anything I could to take some of your suffering away. You're never alone, and I hope that is being made clear to you daily by your friends and family.
    Love and prayers.
    Kirstin Carnage

  8. ::hugs:: My thoughts and well wishings be with you! - Hang in there!

  9. I just want to send this your way. Even if you are uncomfortable in a group setting, maybe you could reach out to one of the active members and see if they can share some resources with you. Hugs.

  10. Please do call your hospice org. They should provide bereavement support, and if you specifically tell them you find support groups to be stressful, anxiety-provoking, and not helpful, they may be able to give you one on one assistance. If nothing else, they should have ideas about resources you might not know about. Best wishes. Be kind to yourself. -a hospice nurse