Sunday, October 21, 2012

Breaking Silence

I feel a need for honesty; though my friends know with me that is never really a problem.

Yesterday my husband's family had a memorial service in his name.
I did not attend.
Technically yes, I was invited; when my mail/invitation came Saturday AFTER the service in a different State was over.

I am Wash's next of kin, and his executor. I am his widow.
I heard him every day for 3 years describe in great detail his ideal Memorial Service.
I am working hard to make that happen for him on December 8, 2012, again, in the Winter, as he requested before his death.

I am truly sorry to those who may have been deceived by others, but he did want and had Willed me to take control of the details.

The love of my life, my soulmate, my husband died less than 6 weeks ago.

Please keep it civil. I will be moderating comments on this post.

Wash had asked me not to write about his parents' or his issues with them until after his death.

I complied. 


  1. That's hideous and it's all too common- families ignoring the actual life of the deceased person and treating their death as a way to "reclaim" them, so to speak.

    I'm very, very sorry that his family disregarded you and his memory in that manner.

  2. I'm very sorry, Tashi. This has to have added to the overall stress of the situation over the last several years.

  3. Sorry to hear this. I hope you don't let it get to you too much.

    Something similar to this played out when a close friend of mine passed away suddenly at a young age. He had found th love of his life a few years prior. She was wonderful, sweet and made him so happy. Yet when he passed his family became catty and snide about small things like his ashes and memorials.

    Maybe it is a (bad) way of dealing with grief?

  4. I am so sorry to hear you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

  5. I can't even imagine the pain and heartbreak. You know what you were to each other, do not let anybody make you question yourself. Hold tight to the people who love you best, and remember he chose you to be by his side.

  6. I am sorry that you received your invitation after the fact, how strange.

    Maybe his family really needed this to be able to move on. I'm sure that many friends where he grew up needed a ceremony, in a way.

    Be the bigger person and be sure to invite his family to the one in December, even if they may not be able to attend.

  7. Any chance that the memorial service arranged by the love of his life will be livestreamed somehow? I would be honoured to watch it, and remember your darling Wash.

  8. People often do very strange and hurtful things in trying to find a way to deal with their own grief. Unfortunately, this type of situation is all too common. I think it makes them feel like they have control over their grief or their grieving process. I'm not saying that you should accept that, but I do hope you will continue in doing what Wash had outlined for you, and do so without feeling judged or hurt. Maybe by December, the in-laws will come around, but even if they don't, you'll have the peace of mind of having done what you knew was wanted.

  9. I have found the people involved least in a life generally seem to be the most vocal and adamant with end of life plans. I am truly sorry you have to endure this. It's also incredibly petty, yet typical for them to shut out the one most involved.

    Best to you. Courage and hugs.

  10. I'm sorry but this just pisses me off. I know there was/is friction between them/him/(you) but not knowing the details.. I STILL don't like it one bit!

    I hope one day they reflect on this and realize that whatever their intentions were, in actual fact they cut the holder of their son's heart to the core. I hope they feel shame. Because it is shameful.

    I know people have their unique ways of coping and not everybody has an equal level of self awareness and blah blah blah but if you think about it just for a second you would know it was wrong.

    Sorry for the outburst.. my righteous indignation on your behalf is real and comes from my heart.

    I am not inexperienced in cuts from 'family'. It burns and stings and wrenches your guts one way and then the other and then back again.. family can cut in a way nobody else can come near. I am so sorry you've been brutalized this way.

  11. Tashi, I'm so sorry to read this.

    Keep in mind that the memorial service his parents had was most likely done from love, not spite. Even though the relationship wasn't what it should have been, they need to grieve too. There can't be too many people that love Wash. Try to think of it as one more way to honor Wash.

  12. I am in no way condoning what they did, but I thought I could try to find a reason. Some people need closure to start to move on. Wash died 6 weeks ago and the memorial service isn't until December. That is a very long time for some people to be able to deal with so they can try to move forward in their own grief journey.

    Once again, I don't know the whole story, and the fact that you weren't properly invited is definitely wrong. Inlaws are a species of their own sometimes.

    I'm sorry you're having to go through this while wounds are still so fresh. Peace to you.

  13. Don't let it get to you. Unfortunately people have to deal with things in their own way. But you know this! I just hope they will respect you and wash enough to be in attendance for his wishes! :) Hugs for you!

  14. My heart honestly *a.c.h.e.s.* for you, Tashi, over this. These days, there are - unfortunately and sadly - just so MANY older folks themselves who are genuine Behavioral Cautionary Tales............ (i.e., but not, by any means, all older folks!!)............ from whom young people (and even older people like me!!) can diligently learn............ How NOT To............ (O.U.R.S.E.L.V.E.S.) Be!!

    Nothing's ALL black or ALL white----(i.e., there are, as you know, *lots* of shades of gray out there!!)----but sometimes I really do wonder, "WHERE has all the *E.M.P.A.T.H.Y.* gone??!!" 'Not talkin' here about all the wonderful young people who have so kindly/generously reached OUT to you and Wash during your TRUE "Hour Of Need," so to speak, but maybe, "Where has all the empathy gone amongst OLDER folks" (and I'm 62!!) "who should KNOW BETTER??!!" Perhaps even more accurately, "Where has all the empathy gone----particularly 'WHEN NOBODY'S LOOKIN''----amongst older folks, who should KNOW BETTER??!!" Then again, in honestly trying *n.o.t.* to be harsh/unfeeling, everyone does have their O.w.n. Personal Sorrows and Sackfuls Of Problems/"Demons" that they're trying to deal with, too; but............ s.t.i.l.l. ............ *SOME times*............

    In a nutshell, about four years ago, I found myself b.e.g.g.i.n.g. my elderly mother----(who does n.o.t. have dementia)----to attend the Funeral of her younger SISTER'S beautiful, intelligent, 18-year-old granddaughter~~who was actually my mother's great-niece~~and who had died postoperatively, (i.e., Chronic Rejection State), after her Lung Transplant for Cystic Fibrosis. (Fifteen years earlier, this same granddaughter's sweet, almost-angelic *twin* sister had died, at the age of 3, of her Cystic Fibrosis). In any event, my mother felt that since she (my mother) "didn't really know her (younger SISTER'S) granddaughter very well"............ that it would then be perfectly fine if she (my mother) simply............ didn't attend the Funeral.

    The only thing~~(i.e., absolutely the *o.n.l.y.* thing!!)~~which was then sufficiently "persuasive"............ was my gently "reminding" my mother that IF SHE DIDN'T ATTEND THE FUNERAL OF HER OWN YOUNGER SISTER'S BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, 18-YEAR-OLD *G.R.A.N.D.C.H.I.L.D.*, that............ in two months' time............ her own younger sister then probably wouldn't-be-attendin'............ (i.e., with almost 100% absolute certainly!!)............ my mother and Dad's *B.*I.*G.* Wedding Anniversary Party. Not only that, but my mother's younger sister, who............ throughout the DECADES............ has been above-and-beyond solicitous, caring, and *c.o.m.p.a.s.s.i.o.n.a.t.e.* TO my mother and Dad............ would then INFORM ALL, (i.e., in a multi-County, multi-State area)............ *e.x.a.c.t.l.y. WHY*............ she (my mother's poor, anguished, grieving younger sister) and her husband WOULDN'T BE comin' *t.o.* my mother and Dad's big Wedding Anniversary Party. So, guess what???!!! My mother then............ *decided*............ to attend the Funeral of her younger sister's granddaughter.

    If Intra-Familial Behavioral Extortion (For A Greater Good) is a mortal sin; then............ I'm A *Goner* many-times-over, I think, Tashi, (haha)!! In sad/weary retrospect, though, this maybe makes an "interesting story" for your blog now; but at the time, I was again E.X.T.R.E.M.E.L.Y. upset about my mother's............ BASIC. lack. of. empathy. ............ (i.e., that specific time, an absence of empathy for her poor, beyond-anguished younger sister, you know). "Givers"............ and "T.A.K.E.R.S."............ there are, in This Ol' World............ that's for SURE. {(*hugs*)} to you -

  15. That sucks

    The Dr never had the approval of his companions' mothers either.
    At least you're in good company.


  16. Families....sigh....the old saying that you can choose your friends but not your families is so true. And hardship will bring out the best, and the worst, in all people....but it those people who have some ties to us that hurt us the most. It is hard, but try and forgive them because holding it against them eventually, and essentially only hurts you. Try to think in your mind they were doing what they needed to do....not what Wash needed done...and hopefully it will bring peace to them so that they can stop hurting others. Hugs and more hugs to you

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