Glass Bone Woman?

Left foot has torn ligaments by my ankle, and a sprained ankle. This alone is 6 weeks of bed/foot rest. Waiting on the X-ray results to see if it is broken as well; from the exam I could have upwards of two breaks in the long tarsals and 1-3 toes might be broken as well.

Let's see;
*Very high intelligence/ Genius
*Picked on /few friends growing up
*Knowledgeable on several subjects, including outbreak/virii paterns
*Had the love of my life, and soulmate die a young, horrid death
*Health issues/ radiation exposure

I just need a crap-ton of money and I'd be a villain right out of a graphic novel!

[or, that is the pain meds talking. who knows?]

Really? Really??!

Full disclosure, I am on pain meds writing this.

So, Fri after services, I was walking to the Pharm that is near the Synagogue and my house. With some awesome friends.
I'm walking down a curb, and my old-ass shoes that literally have the entire treads worn down/through slips. My left foot falls about 4" and I land on it and roll my ankle. I did not fall down though, like I had when I broke my right foot.

So, I was hobbling to the CVS less than a block away at that point, and by the time I got inside was feeling VERY hot.
Next thing I know, my friend is calling my name and I'm on the floor. The adrenaline wore off and the pain made me faint.
Managed to get home and spend the weekend on bedrest, icing my foot.

My doctor knows about it, and I am beyond thankful my nurse was helpful and sympathetic. I still cannot believe this happened again.

I have a full set x-ray of my foot, toes, and ankle area to be done tomorrow. Then, I go from there.

I also know what to look out for if it get worse and I have to go to an ER. I am hoping it will not get to that.

Either way, I already do not have funds to pay for rent, or electricity for this month (due on the 5th) and now I'm adding more medical bills I have no way to pay for on top.
I literally do not even have a credit card to my name to "float" myself for this.

I am worse than screwed in so many ways if I do end up needing surgery. As it stands, looking for work while (best case) I'm in (and WHEN) a walking-cast is going to be even worse than it already is with my 3 year *non-paid* employment gap.
Arizona being a "Right To Work" state and all. And hating sick people, or people who may or do need insurance. Or hating women, and even more so women who want to work.  (Maybe not all of AZ, but certainly the vast majority who is in charge)


I wish this was a great joke being played on me. It's not.


Little acts of kindness I am thankful for:
*My friends coming from another state to visit, even if it had to be cut short
*My friends who are willing to drive me as I don't have a car, or working feet
*My friends who bought me groceries so I could eat this week
*My friends who bought cat-food so the kitties can eat
*My friends who donated a CVS card to me so I could cover the cost of a few needed prescriptions
*My friends who love me unconditionally
*My friends who like spending time with me, and do it. 
*My friends who make me laugh. Who also make me feel safe, if just for a moment.

*Memories of how much my husband loved me and would care for me, attend to me, and love me when I was ill


Without the Hope of something, what is there to hold on to?

Best case, I have complete bedrest this weekend.

Worst case; I broke my right foot again last night/a few hours ago.

I'm not certain if my doc has someone to run the X-Ray machine on the weekend. So, I might have to hold out til Mon. Or, get someone to take me to St. Joes downtown to their ER, rather than spending two days in the waiting room of Tempe St Lukes.

Yeah. I know.


I'll have to talk to my doctor regardless about my bone density.

Everyday there is a new terrible hit to my horrid financial situation.
And I should be easing my stress, not increasing it.
So, shit.

Good not-broken bone thoughts please?

Sponsors

I have not been able to work.

I'm trying to get some proper help, trying to find any odds-and-ends type of jobs I can do (like a bit of dog-walking) and competing against a world where I don't know what to say about my 3 year (paid) employment gap.

I'm making some good progress in my own self to be ready to move/let go of the only "home" I ever had with my husband, and all the memories I have here, ideally around fall or before winter.

But right now I need help.

I need help to pay my rent. ($700)
I need help to pay for my (NOT Smartphone- I have a flip phone and it can't surf the web) mobile. ($68)
I need help to keep my internet on, so I can have access to resources to keep my mental health from getting worse, to look for jobs I can do, to stay connected now to really anyone.
With my extrovert husband being dead and all, (maybe another reason?) I don't really have people/friends/family coming by to visit, or socialize with me.
I need help to keep my electricity and air conditioning on. It's getting to the 90s locally now, and will get hotter very fast, and right now I can barely afford to pay for 2 hours of running the A/C per day.
I need help to pay for my medications, and co-pays. Even my lowest Co-Pay of $4 adds up fast when
there are 5-10 scripts I fill each month. (Depending on my asthma, my mental health, if I have broken any bones say...)

I know it's hard times for everyone right now.
Most tax returns have already been spent.
I'm still waiting on the official total, but for me personally, with the debt from my own medical issues; and of course, with Wash's, all my Fed "return" (which is less than $100) goes right back.
Without me working, and with getting just a bit over $7K total from SSD for Wash, I somehow STILL owe the State of Arizona money too.

I owe everyone.
But, I would really like to NOT be evicted. I'd like to be able to part from this house/home on my own terms, since so little else has been under my control.

I need help.

If you can, please donate. The Fundly site is running to the end of this month, and the PayPal account set up by Wash's Fraternity is still open.
If you don't have anything to spare but a good wish or prayer for me, I appreciate even that.

Share my story.
Ask WHY it is ok for the State of Arizona to leave me stuck, with no services.


I am doing my hardest to try, but I lost so much more than just Wash when he died.

Hide and Seek

-My birthday was fine. I will write about it later.
-My foot is finally after approx 12 weeks, no longer broken! The Ortho cleared me, and my last Physical Therapy session is this Thursday


As far as the rest goes...
I have been in a very deep depression. Getting outside to get physical activity in every day, some days I will even speak to other people or clerks. But, I'm not really "getting out" and I'm not really going to gatherings or parties, because my anxiety kicks in overdrive at the thought of being out, and breaking down in front of others, or "ruining" something [my phrase, not anything anyone has said to me, I want to be clear.]or making my friends uncomfortable.

I'm hoping that with a bit more time, my medication will kick in a bit more and I will start to feel better.
I need to see someone, professionally.

It's painful to wake up literally crying. Or, sobbing so hard in my sleep it wakes me.
I'm getting physically sick now some evenings when the panic and memories set in.
I'm having more flashbacks, visions I cannot control.
I keep seeing certain days, certain events over and over and over.
Some mornings, it feels like my body is literally frozen in place for 30-60 minutes and all I can do is see these images and hear those voices and words and cry.
I need to deal with this.

Around the mid to end of last week I noticed a new trend; not really having emotional "ups and downs", more like a numbed baseline, and then moments of wrecking sobs.
I've been watching old horror movies that terrified me as a child now, hoping to feel something. I haven't.

A few more nightmares, unrelated to the movies, mostly it feels like I dip into a parallel word, things are not fully the same, and sometimes Wash is there. Sometimes, it is other things.
Things that I don't have words for in any language I know.
But, I don't have fear. Not "fear" in any sense of the word to my own self; no terror at the thought of my own end. So, there is a knowledge that
*I am dreaming
*I am hunted, by something
*I am not afraid of anything that can happen to me

It's odd. Everything feels odd in real, waking life.
I keep expecting to see Wash. Downstairs, in another room, somewhere.
I wake up and the bed is large, empty, and cold. My brain screams at me that it is wrong, it is SO wrong that nothing can be real. Everything feels surreal when I am awake now.
Numbness. Numbness, and a pain so deep it transcends the physical world.
What is physical pain to this?

I know my friends are trying to help, trying to support. I know my family is too; they showed it to me in heaps for my birthday.
I know you, Dear Readers, leave me such nice and encouraging messages and in a way, it does help.

But I know, I need more. This is not something I can do alone. Wash is not around to give me strength either.
Making those calls into such such SUCH a shitty insurance system, most especially for the adults with mental illnesses, it is hard. I tried it before, too many times.
I tried it right after Wash passed and I was told 2-3 months to wait before they could even have me see anyone. That, was not really helpful.

I have no way to afford to pay out of pocket for a good professional, who has experience in grief, loss at a young age, PTSD.
Magellan's history of treating patients in Arizona is not stellar, by far, but it is literally my only option right now.

So, that's about where I'm at, almost 7 weeks after --
I don't even know what to write. After he died? After he passed? After my heart stopped? After I lost my world?

The courser blinks at me, patient to my numbness and the slow pouring of words from the churned emotions inside me to the screen.

Goodnight, Dear Reader, and stay safe.

Uphill

Battling Insurance today.

"So you're poor and sick?"

"Yes."

"Prove it."

"Fine, here." (papers)

"Ok, but WHY are you poor?"

.... really?

My husband is dying of BRAIN cancer. He will never work again. The State of Arizona does not pay *me* to be a full time caregiver, that's all volunteer. No one "pays" me. It costs money to live and a fuck load more money to not die.

It's a stressful day today. I'm hoping things will get better.

Don't have anything but Hope today.

Opportunity

This is Wash posing with 20-21 months worth of his meds and mine.

This is what is looks like to be ill. This is the other side of brain cancer.

Imagine each of those bottles filled with pills- all processed into his body. The cardboard and glass bottles? Those are from his chemotherapy- a year's worth of poison.

How do we rack up thousands each month for medicine costs? See above.

(And yes, Leto snuck into frame on that first shot)