Breaking Silence

I feel a need for honesty; though my friends know with me that is never really a problem.

Yesterday my husband's family had a memorial service in his name.
I did not attend.
Technically yes, I was invited; when my mail/invitation came Saturday AFTER the service in a different State was over.

I am Wash's next of kin, and his executor. I am his widow.
I heard him every day for 3 years describe in great detail his ideal Memorial Service.
I am working hard to make that happen for him on December 8, 2012, again, in the Winter, as he requested before his death.

I am truly sorry to those who may have been deceived by others, but he did want and had Willed me to take control of the details.

The love of my life, my soulmate, my husband died less than 6 weeks ago.

Please keep it civil. I will be moderating comments on this post.

Wash had asked me not to write about his parents' or his issues with them until after his death.

I complied. 

Both reached for the

I have a hairline fracture on my left foot; right along the line where I have broken the toe before.

I think if I had not broken it in the past, it might have just been a bad sprain.

So, I'm supposed to stay off the foot as much as I can, no taping it- still too swollen, but ice and elevation.

3 weeks of a cane or crutches and it should be fully healed 6-8 weeks.

Thank you to everyone who is sending us love, postcards, and (for Wash) LEGO sets. He LOVES them. (Thank you!!)

He's playing with them now, much calmer and happier.

Last night was something truly terrible. This week has been a challenge for him. From the cat incident, to the falls. He just got SO ANGRY that the people around him can't "cure" him. That he won't get better. This is in his brain.

Seemed to just hit him all at once, and he just overloaded with anger and sadness and depression.

He would not take his medicine. He would not calm down, he was restless.

Said I needed to keep the cats upstairs because he did not trust himself around them or me.

We slept apart. It doesn't happen often in our marriage.

Hospice said I had to try to respect his wishes as a patient, because he was so clear and mentally present at the time, to be alone. To let him be downstairs without me watching him. He has a right to not be "safe". It's a hard thing for me to get used to, but they are right.

It was not easy to sleep without him by, wondering and worrying.

He was better in the morning. He wrote some last night, and also yelled for about 2 hours while he was downstairs. I have no idea if he was conscious he was speaking aloud, let alone yelling.

I got my X-rays this morning, he had S. as his aide/caregiver. Also gave me a chance to get by the post office to pick up some nice Star Wars LEGO sets that were sent to him. He will offer up to the nurses, "I know I'm regressing, but it makes me happy, and they're just so FUN." At this time I'm not worried about him choking on a piece, so I don't mind a million pieces around the house because he enjoys being able to still create and control in his little LEGO-land.

He needs that, and I'm glad I have the help to give it to him.

I do have a script for painkillers for the next little while that my foot feels frakkin' awful. I apologize if this later makes no linear sense.

We're going to watch "Treasure Planet" tonight, Wash has actually asked me. Like he's taking me on a "home date". I'm going to do my best to stuff down my emotions and show him I'm enjoying it, even if I'm in pain. He doesn't really understand anymore that other people hurt and feel physically and emotionally. It's all about him, all the time. That's ok. That's brain cancer.

But, he won't understand and doesn't understand when I tell him "No, that hurts me."

So, I have to smile tonight for him, because he needs some love and a memory of a smiling wife.

Rise above the pain to give him that.

It rained last night. I had a hibiscus blooming this morning. I hope it helps the tomatoes and the watermelon plant. It will be a little bit before I can water my own garden again.

Thus Begins

I love my home. I (for the most part) love my city. I love being this close to my downtown, being able to walk to our main street (Mill Avenue) and the Lake.

Except for about 10 days a year. 4th of July, Christmas Parade, The first week of a new semester, and New Year's Eve.

There is an annual "Block Party" which attracts 40-100,000 people per year.

There is free music.

Fireworks!

I frakking hate it.

It's 10am right now. They've started playing music. It's over 4 blocks away and the bass is loud enough I can frakking FEEL it. It's only going to get louder over the next 14 frakking hours.

People park illegally. We caught a couple last year who parked on our LAWN in a mini-van and were having sex! We have had people drive fast on the blind curve at the end of our street and hit /totaled 3 cars. Beer cans are left EVERYWHERE. Glass is left in the streets to shred tires. The city does not clean up my street nor do they even cone it off to allow for just resident parking. I've brought it up before in City Council meetings as the neighbourhood one block south of us is allowed for resident parking only and they do not have the same problems we do.

I'm feeling awful from my shots.

The bass is driving me mad. I want to cry. Even sitting in my closet does not help.

Not a fun day to be my flavour of Aspergian.

Eventually I will find a place or a friend and wisely spend my New Years at that location. For now, I'm just going to be super cranky all day and probably be popping all day (my 'tic' is a verbal sound close to a "pop" I make. I'm usually unaware of it, Wash notes it though.)

Dear Readers, and New Readers,

Just please be safe out there today/tonight. Have plenty of fun, but be safe. Have a designated driver or call for a FREE ride; link below is for all 50 states with programs.

I have worked in a morgue before. PLEASE have fun, but not at the cost of a life.

http://duijusticelink.aaa.com/for-the-public/aaas-role/public-education/sober-ride

I will write to you all in a New Year.

Cheers!

Steamy Saturday

So our state is turning 100 next Feb. Out here in the West we have a long and mostly proud train tradition. Wash loves steam trains (older style) more than just about anything. So, last week when I was reading I stumbled upon a little blurb in the paper saying the old Steam Engine would be heading through our state for the centennial, and it would be doing a "whistle stop" literally down the street from us. (Remember the train tracks a block away?)

So, today Wash and I walked down and waited for the train to come through.

And waited.

And waited.

And sent texts, drew in the sand, and waited.

Almost an hour late we heard the loud and rumbly whistle. Wash and I even snuck in a penny to get smashed by the wheels for our nephew. It's pretty cool.

I think he had a good time.