Cunning

A few days ago a report came up on The Mary Sue relating to certain sellers on Etsy.com having their accounts suspended or blocked because they sold the hand knit “Jayne Cobb” style cap from the (un-aired) Firefly episode. Other sellers were reporting getting Cease & Desist letters from FOX regarding their selling hand-made knit caps.  As a lot of things on the internet do, news spread around the “Browncoat” (Firefly/Serenity fans) forums and sites, and a lot of attention was turned back on a show cancelled by FOX more than a decade ago.
When my late husband and I began to first date, we had already established at our first 'meeting' of each other what big Browncoats we both were. Though we had intended to be watching the new season (3) of the BBC show Robin Hood we ended up mostly speaking for hours on episodes of Firefly or how wonderful it was the fans brought about getting support for Serenity to be made.

That was in 2008. I had been to a previous showing of Can't Stop the Serenity ; a wonderful benefit for Equality Now  that was enjoyable not merely for the film, but for the camaraderie of the fans who watched it with me.  By the time summer of 08 had come, my husband [nicknamed early on by me as "Wash"] and I were more than casually dating and he invited to take me to our local showing of CSTS that summer. That was the end of June. We both excitedly did what a majority of the FF/Browncoat fans did, and Cosplayed. That first year I went as River Tam and he as one of the "Two by Two/Hands of Blue" agents.
That was the year he also picked up a little brown wristband that simply said, "Can't Stop the Signal".

[Brown band is his Browncoat, the yellow came from the Lance Armstrong Foundation. This is also our kitten Leto. Bonus kitty pic.]

He also received one other small thing. As we had been dating/courting for a few months then and we knew ahead that we would be attending CSTS together, I had decided to complete my first ever knitting project and make a "Jayne Cobb" style hat. I had no set pattern for it, just a copy of the DVDs and a very understanding pause button. I worked on my evenings, weekends, and lunch breaks to finish the hat in time for the show, which was late June. [Even knowing he was going to CosPlay as a different character]
I will never forget how his face lit up when he saw it, and even more when he realized it was for him. That I had made him a "Cunning Cap".

[I think he was pretty happy. This photo from 2008]

We both took turns playing with it for a long time, and enjoying a small quasi-tangible link to what was our favourite show. Serenity was the movie we chose to watch on our first date, sitting in a packed living room he shared with 2-3 other roommates. He was my Wash, and I his Zoe.
We even bothered our poor cat to some degree by making her wear the cap.

[Yes, I am holding a lightsaber. I am comfortable enough in my own geekery to accept more than one Space Fiction love. This is also my most serious "fearless" face.]

The hat to us became much more than a love token, or a symbol of our beloved show.
In 2009 my husband was diagnosed after two emergency brain surgeries with a terminal brain cancer.
For him, the quote from the episode featuring the Jayne Cap become almost his daily mantra.
"When you can't run anymore you crawl. When you can't do that... find someone to carry you." [Firefly ep. The Message]

My husband ran. Then for a long time he crawled. When the cancer took more and more of him, it was our friends, and our Browncoat friends who helped to carry us both. To care, to help, to carry.

I understand there is a lot of questions and animosity going around right now bouncing between the FOX owned IP, the 'Helper Monkeys' at ThinkGeek , and the many single person owned shops at Etsy who have been making by hand for years and years Jayne Cobb Cunning Caps to sell to the Browncoats who adore, love, desire one- but for whatever reason were unable to do so themselves.
The way I see it, FOX owned IP is making money off this venture, absolutely. Especially with the surge of "Geek Culture" becoming more acceptable and mainstream public. I know ThinkGeek is making some money as well**, but as they are a business with more than one employee, they do also have to play by legal rules and acquire the "rights" to a knitted cap design to be made to quality specs by another company- Riddle Junction. Not knowing too much copyright law myself, the only real comment about Riddle Junction I can make is that they are a 3rd party given the license by FOX to manufacture the knit caps then sold by ThinkGeek. TG is now in a sad position of angering some of the very fans they felt they were trying to include. Etsy shops that have had to be shut down are suffering- and by no means were these large scale operations bringing in "big bucks"- mostly female owned self-businesses covering costs of materials and shipping for other Browncoats. One such shop run by a wonderful woman named K. (who wishes to remain anonymous in the hopes her shop can be reopened) makes many geek themed items (among them from Doctor Who, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica and more) but did not herself make any of the knit caps or list any on her Etsy page. She only had other items such as bookmarks or buttons on top of her own artwork that she always listed as “inspired by *name of show*”. Yet, because she used keywords relating to the show, her Etsy shop has been suspended. She also disclosed to me that the money she makes off her Etsy store goes to buying groceries.

What I have witnessed over the last few days on the internet is a lot of anger, frustration, sadness, and some hate.

So, who is really "winning" with this? By a monetary standpoint, I'd say FOX is coming out ahead.
From a publicity standpoint, I think many larger issues are now being brought into light- how Intellectual Copyright law is applied, how certain sellers are suffering and if a knit cap with no set pattern (other than a tricolor shading, a pom on top, and ear flaps.... which sounds like any of these hats of the thousands of images in a quick google search) is limited merely in name.

What my hope for the other Browncoats out there is to have a discussion; how can a specific fandom deal with IP/Copyright laws, and what if any, is a responsibility to the fandom by the company that is kept (in part) in business due to the loyalty of fans?

All I personally know is that since my husband passed away last fall there is only one person in the world I would consider passing along my Wash's Jayne cap to- his most adored television show writer; Jane.
FOX may or may not consider that cap part of their IP (since I made it myself from no set or bought pattern, and did not sell it myself) but it means ever so much more to me.

************* EDIT 04-10-2012  11:21AM
As of 11:30am on April 10th, 2013 ThinkGeek announced through their online media they will be donating the profits/proceeds of the Jayne Caps from Riddle Junction to Can’t Stop The Serenity .  While I personally think this is a massive step in the right direction, the larger issue of using questionable legal tactics to put (even temporarily) artists and fans out of business is an issue FOX and all other studios should be considering and talking about. As it was the fans, the Browncoats that helped to push the cancelled show into a follow-up movie years later, the power of a fan-base is a strong one. With respect to the original artist’s work, the fans who love and admire the show and who wish for some tangible connection to it are the ones who now suffer. The individual artists who lovingly and with care hand-make these tangible items, most slightly different from another, and most an homage to an item they love, are now the ones who pay a high price.
ThinkGeek heard the fans and responded timely and in a charitable way that some Mudders must approve of, perhaps now we and other Browncoats can petition Etsy that doing the proper thing is human, important, and matters.

EDITED 14:30 FOR CLARITY

Really? Really??!

Full disclosure, I am on pain meds writing this.

So, Fri after services, I was walking to the Pharm that is near the Synagogue and my house. With some awesome friends.
I'm walking down a curb, and my old-ass shoes that literally have the entire treads worn down/through slips. My left foot falls about 4" and I land on it and roll my ankle. I did not fall down though, like I had when I broke my right foot.

So, I was hobbling to the CVS less than a block away at that point, and by the time I got inside was feeling VERY hot.
Next thing I know, my friend is calling my name and I'm on the floor. The adrenaline wore off and the pain made me faint.
Managed to get home and spend the weekend on bedrest, icing my foot.

My doctor knows about it, and I am beyond thankful my nurse was helpful and sympathetic. I still cannot believe this happened again.

I have a full set x-ray of my foot, toes, and ankle area to be done tomorrow. Then, I go from there.

I also know what to look out for if it get worse and I have to go to an ER. I am hoping it will not get to that.

Either way, I already do not have funds to pay for rent, or electricity for this month (due on the 5th) and now I'm adding more medical bills I have no way to pay for on top.
I literally do not even have a credit card to my name to "float" myself for this.

I am worse than screwed in so many ways if I do end up needing surgery. As it stands, looking for work while (best case) I'm in (and WHEN) a walking-cast is going to be even worse than it already is with my 3 year *non-paid* employment gap.
Arizona being a "Right To Work" state and all. And hating sick people, or people who may or do need insurance. Or hating women, and even more so women who want to work.  (Maybe not all of AZ, but certainly the vast majority who is in charge)


I wish this was a great joke being played on me. It's not.


Little acts of kindness I am thankful for:
*My friends coming from another state to visit, even if it had to be cut short
*My friends who are willing to drive me as I don't have a car, or working feet
*My friends who bought me groceries so I could eat this week
*My friends who bought cat-food so the kitties can eat
*My friends who donated a CVS card to me so I could cover the cost of a few needed prescriptions
*My friends who love me unconditionally
*My friends who like spending time with me, and do it. 
*My friends who make me laugh. Who also make me feel safe, if just for a moment.

*Memories of how much my husband loved me and would care for me, attend to me, and love me when I was ill


Without the Hope of something, what is there to hold on to?

An Unexpected Journey

Yesterday was a pretty awful day.
Last night was filled with dreams and emotions; re-living the terrifying moments of last year.

This morning I wake up to be reminded of how much I am loved and cared for; because my beloved friends are sending me to EMERALD CITY 'CON 2013!

Seattle! 3 days of Geeks & Nerds; Artists & Authors. Friends!

I am in happy, happy shock.


I will have to post the video; my gift was inside another gift; an interactive story book.

MB, KB, LL, NM <3 are="are" p="p" wonderful.="wonderful." you="you">

So many people I admire will be there. So many creations I have grown up with, adore, aspire to.

I am still not certain how to take Wash, because he does have to come with me somehow, but he will be there too. It's just not a 'Con without Wash there.

Seattle: 2 months and I will be in you!

I am in shock.

Hard to say

Just a note to my friends;
I do not have the "Science" channel.
I have not seen the Firefly/Browncoat reunion.

I have no plans TO see the reunion special.

I am trying so hard to not keep that in the front of my mind; that Wash (my Wash) missed seeing this by 2 months.
So far, I am failing at that.
It is like trying to run away from the sky... cannot be done. Even if one hides, the sky is still there.

I am aware the special is out there.
It hurts in ways I cannot even begin to describe that Wash was not alive to see this.
It does not feel right, or good, or happy to even try to watch it without him.


I will probably be minimally online until I feel emotionally stronger.

Until I know I can pull up a page without seeing the Cast, without being confronted in my face with another memory I could not have with my Wash.

2 months.
2 months.

Haunting.

The Belchies

Friday was pretty ... intense.

I spent the first few hours of the day just sobbing.
Could not stop crying.

I kept seeing his last few conscious hours over and over.

My friends (Wash's frat brothers) sent me a text in the early afternoon to the effect of "We love you, and know it's a bad day. Can we still take you out for distractions?"
I said yes.

We had a nice time getting out for some frozen yoghurt. That was a nice break.

We were attempting to go as a whole group to a "movie in the park" event; a free movie on a greenbelt/lawn. With our weather this is a common activity.

Sadly it was like a coming together of all kinds of "worst case" scenarios.
Some members were running late... we did not have enough blankets to grab space for all of us, there were dogs running loose around, the folks behind us kept spilling pizza on my blankets and pillows.... It became obvious before showtime there were FAR too many people who came to see the movie than the venue really had space for.

To their immense credit my friends cared. About me.
Wash used to be my rock and calming presence when I went out. I do not like going out, really, I do not like crowds, or uncontrolled animals (even at an animal friendly venue), wayyyyy too many toddlers walking around with no parental supervision... my brain was going into overdrive.
Too many noises, too many sensations, too many variables for me to calculate, which is what my brain does when I am outside or in a crowd.

My friends said... "Tashi? You look really uncomfortable. Let's go."
And we did. And they did not make a big deal of it, or make me feel bad for having to leave a planned event due to me.

We went over to C* & R*'s place and ended up getting pizza, and lots of beers, and watched "Clue".
It seemed liked a much calmer (and to me, more enjoyable) evening.

I was still missing Wash, so much, but they really helped to distract me and get me through a bad day.


Today, it's suddenly Fall.
Cold weather, cats wanting to cuddle, and an extra blanket needed for the bed.
I like this. It also means in a week or so I'll have to switch the fish around some; the babies need to be moved to a larger and warmer tank, and the big tank needs to have a heater put in it so the big Molly I'm a Fish Foster Mum for stays warm at night.

I've been watching "The Belchies" this morning, so far about 3 times. I think it might be my favourite episode of Bob's Burgers. Which also means I will be watching 'The Goonies' later, because we did not see it last night.


Everything is different and new at the same time is it familiar to me.


Lately, I've just really missed in so so so many ways getting to be geeky around someone else.
I miss making a reference out loud to a show, a book, a movie and having that person (Wash) who got it.
I miss talking about George Lucas.
I miss talking about geek cons and panels.
I miss gossiping and guessing about movies to be released.

I don't have anyone to talk to anymore like that. He's gone.
I find myself still having conversations; as if he could hear.


Cleaning today. Doing some laundry; clothes and the sheets on my little bed I sleep in, and washing the winter blankets (heavier than the summer ones). They're clean, but they kinda smell like the linen closet.


Just trying to tread water today, keep breathing.







*Not their real initials

Feet on the ground

I had dreams last night about the last night Wash was ever conscious and it was pretty horrible.
It was basically re-living it in my dreams.
I could not wake up.

When I did, I spent the first 30 mins or so just sobbing in my bed, I could not even move.

Yesterday, distractions helped.
Today, not so much.

I even got notified that DES won't cancel my health insurance now that Wash is gone, but that is not 'cheering' me up like it should.

It's like his last few hours are burned into my consciousness and it's a record player that won't stop; over and over again I see him, hear him, but just those words.

I don't even know right now, breathing hurts.

Leto, being adorable

Had some nightmares again last night, but I was able to control them more.
I woke up feeling better than I have in a while.

Still broke down and sobbed for a bit in the shower this morning.

The cats have been cuddly lately. Super cute. Needy. I'm ok with this, and spoiling them right now. Maybe we all need it.

My friend R* is here from the Pacific North West on work, and then she's spending the weekend with me before she leaves.
We've known each other for years.
She knew Wash.
She's also lost someone close to her to (a different kind) brain cancer.
So, she knows.

Hour by hour, some worse than others, but I just hold on to Hope that somehow it will start to get better, at some point.
I still Hope it will.

Visitors

Our friend Salvatore* arrived yesterday/this am with his mum to help out for a few days.

The boys are bonding well and I managed to get two great, solid naps today.

I think this is the start of a good thing.

Foot info

So, some good news from all of this is that we do have extra help, ALTCS [part of Wash's AHCCCS insurance] is covering 8 hours per day for at least a full week, and depending on how I'm doing and what my doc says by the end of the week it could go on, he has the option then for Respite care outside our home, or I might be able to go back to doing most things by myself. Not really sure at this moment, but I made myself and Wash promise not to talk about that until after his birthday, just so I can get through the next few days with less distractions.

I did hear back from my doctor yesterday. She sent my x-rays off to a separate radiologist to check it out. My break is an abnormal one, an incomplete fracture of my 5th metatarsal on the right foot. The swelling continues each day even though I have a "soft cast" wrapping on it for the weekend. My ankle is also turning purple/black. My lovely blue iris foot tattoo is all misshapen from the swelling and miscoloured from the bruising.

It hurts, but the doctors are right and it won't heal if I don't keep to my bedrest and stay off it.

My left foot is still technically "broken". I broke it 3 weeks ago, and tried to push it this week, like I was back to normal. I tried to do too much, carry too much weight, make too many trips in one. So, I guess I should not be that surprised that my left foot gave way under all that stress; my foot gave out and I fell with all my weight and the trash on top of my right onto my right side foot hitting the concrete sidewalk.

I'm quite happy that I had a follow up already scheduled this week, so I got to go right in and have my doc give me x-rays instead of a more expensive and long ER trip. Wash was worried and did want me to go to the ER, but it was about 6pm and there was no one to look after him. My doc says seeing me before 24 hours was up was just fine, and as it was not a compound fracture I did not do any additional damage by waiting a few more hours to see my own doc to check my foot.

So, since it is broken, I will have a harder "cast" type of thing put on my foot and I'll have a 'walking cast' type boot [DAS BOOT] to use with my crutches for at least 4 weeks. Knowing my history and my doctors, they might tell me 6 weeks to make sure I don't break anything else/re-break it.

I have a follow up x-ray at 3 weeks to check the healing and make sure it's correcting on it's own/ that I won't need surgery. At this point, it does not look like I will need any surgery, but the doctor can't guarantee it, and a part is on me to make sure I am being medically compliant.

Wash did most of Helm's Deep LEGO set this week, and I did an Orc/ Uruk-Hai kit last night to complete it. He's out of "new"/un-built sets right now, so I'm not sure if he will be playing with them, mixing the LEGO sets with his Warhammer 40K stuff, or if he'll disassemble it to rebuild.

I had my mum get him the 6th Ed Rulebook for Warhammer that came out this summer for his birthday.

There is something I want to get him, but it's going to be complicated to do without getting out of the house. Maybe I'll have a chance Sunday before his birthday. I am not certain yet if we're having some friends over tomorrow. We're doing Tacos on Monday though for his birthday. It will be a nice low-key thing with my family.

I'm including pics of my feet because I'm weird like that and I like to share my pain.

That's about all I can remember for now. Thank you all Dear Readers, for being so kind and supportive during this. My own brain is guilting me up bad, but my brain can suck it sometimes. I'm doing my best giving him care 7 days a week (outside of my 9 hours per week as "break") and I my body can only give so much for so long before it tells me to slow down.

I'm off my feet. I'm slowed.

One, two, Princes

I've been dealing with my depression lately.

Wash is not strictly "declining", but, it truly does to me seem like there is "less" for him to live for. He's fighting, but for what? At this point he says he wants to still see TDKR. He wanted to see "The Hobbit", but I think the trailer is really honestly all he will be around for.

Brain cancer is so odd. He can complete two LEGO sets in a day, or in two weeks. His brain can still build, but a lot of the other stuff is starting to go.

I have not gotten to the point of bibs yet, but he's essentially using an "adult" sippy cup. His sense of co-ordination is worse even than mine. Thankfully no falls lately, but he's had to be better about using his cane or walker for EVERYTHING.

It helps though.

Our awesome neighbours continue to be awesome. A couple of times when Wash has had an aide over I've gone to just chat or vent at their place. (they are in the same row of townhomes we are) N.* has even traded short stories with Wash to read! She still helps us water our garden and cooks occasionally for us.

He mostly says/does the same thing over and over now. We watch the same show or movie 2, sometimes 4 times before he "remembers" he has seen it before.

"Yes, dear. Thank you. Ok, Wash. Yes. Do go on."

His anger comes in longer periods now too. Sunday night was fairly awful. Even after speaking to a Hospice Chaplain on call, it took almost 2 hours for him to really get a hold on his own emotions.

I dislike feeling what I have been lately. I worry way too much. I wonder if/how happy he is.

I worry about his rage, his pain.

I wonder if the thing I wanted most with my heart on my birthday almost three years ago is something I have to let go of now. I want him to be living because he wants to, not "for me". It's much harder to say that out loud though, than merely to write down.

He's going to attempt to see and talk to his mum this week. I don't speak of his family on the blog anymore at Wash's specific request; he doesn't want some details "out" right now, he still doesn't want to share/show his emotions.

All I can say, all I will say, is please Dearest Readers, send him thoughts of love, calmness, or even kind prayers.

Mostly what he does is say he wants to do something, but with his "drama", it is like there is a block preventing him from ever moving forward.

What I want for that situation does not really matter. I want what is best for him, what his mental and emotional well being needs. Not what someone else might want for him.

Done. Moving on.

So, when he is not taking anger out on me, he's been enjoying some time with his aides and building and filling our home with LEGO models. The cats do not seem to mind, and he really enjoys playing after he builds, it's nice when a couple hours go by and everyone is happy.

I've been trying to take some "mental health" breaks for myself as well, actually get out of the house when I have an aide to help/watch Wash. I know there is worry for me after he is gone. I worry about myself; enough to worry but not yet enough to do much more than starting to see I'll be ok if I leave him for an hour with an aide.

The future is still too painful to think about. The 'What After' part.

I've seen Death. Changes happen to a person.

I'm wondering if it's just brain cancer, or if some of Wash's changes are him moving closer to his end?

So many questions, so much wonder, so little certainty.

To some specific people who have been reaching out to me- thank you. Thank you for telling me I'm not alone in this. Some nights and early mornings it does feel so isolating, but I do try to take comfort from those who have gone before.

The very worst thing to me about GBM? Even more so than knowing at some point I will lose the man I loved and hoped to spend the rest of my life with, is knowing there is still no cure, and there *will* be others who come after who have to fight the same battles. The ACA changes some of that for those Americans with brain cancer, but these tumors hit people around the world, not just here.

I feel like I'm the only one, but at the same time, I hate knowing I'm not.

I would not wish this even on Jan Brewer.

There's a feeling of change in the air; friends all moving, new jobs, new schools, new children/life in the world.

I feel like we are the only ones stuck still while everyone else moves and dances their lives around us.

His birthday is in two weeks. I know (or is it hope?) he makes it that far. Live hour by (hopefully a good) hour, day by day that he wakes up for, and week. At this point, I'm not sure how to think or live farther ahead than that.

/Trying to write my depressive thoughts out of myself today. I hope it works.

*Not real names/initials

Flying High

Hospice is so awesome.

Wash asked our SW for some help to do something nice for *me* for our anniversary.

They got us tickets to Wicked! tonight.

With Idina.

That means I not only get to see theatre, which I LOVE, but I get to hear/see the actress whom I fell in love with on the original cast recording back in 2001 or so.

I read the book in 7th grade.

To say I am mmm, excited, about tonight would be quite the understatement.

Apparently some friends of mine are also throwing me a (belated) Bridal Shower/Party this weekend- see as we eloped in secret, I never got one. We were engaged, but we never had any public recognition of our marriage until Wash was sick; and then of course, the focus was on his health, not "us" as a married couple now.

I am hopeful and trying to really be happy and enjoy this. I cannot allow myself to remember the other half of this right now- I'm going all out because I am really not certain if my husband will be alive for our 4th anniversary next year.

Wash also got to have a nice little Skype chat last night. One of our very close and good friends is still taking orders from Uncle Sam through Nov or so this year- we rarely get to see him, but I wanted him to know and I wanted to make sure Wash got to talk to his friend before he left, and while he still knew who he was speaking to. They caught up for about a half hour last night, and there were plenty of laughs and some good news shared.

I should have an ALTCS update tomorrow, hopefully.

Now, since Wash got his awesome gift for me all set; who wants to help with the other parts of my gift to him? I want for Wash- something personalized from Nathan Fillion. It can be a book or a napkin, or a phone call. I just want Wash to know (even for a few seconds) that Nathan knows who he is, what he is fighting (a losing battle), and that he (Nathan) symbolizes Wash's hero; the Browncoat who *never* gives up.

My Wash IS a Browncoat. Has been since the day I met him.