Find You

I have been trying to hold on to the good hours, moments, or even a day at a time now. I'm getting better at it, to a degree.

I made it through Hannukah, and had a really nice Shabbos this past week with my cousin cooking and singing.

As it gets closer to Christmas though, I keep thinking about the few we had together. All the ones we had imagined we would have in the future.
How much I suspected but dreaded that last year might have been his last Christmas and winter holidays with me; and how true it was.

I keep trying to remember the happy moments. How the awesome folks at ThinkGeek were to send him/us those gifts; they gave us his last Christmas.
I've been thinking about them lately, how kind they were to him, and us. My grief takes my words now sometimes, so I cannot figure out how to describe how thankful I am to them. Still.
His last one was a happy one.

I take comfort in that, though it still brings me to tears.

The house seems so much more lonely. I have been keeping the television on downstairs because just hearing a bit of extra noise makes me feel a bit better right now.

I took down the inflatable (twin) guest bed, and Leto is not happy about that. Somehow in the last few months he has outgrown the catbed I bought a bit ago for him. It is comically small compared to him even when he sleeps in the smallest ball he can. He's been sleeping on the guest bed at times over the last few weeks and I believe seems to have thought that was his new bed.
He lies down in the same spot in the room and will squeak at me.
He has been giving me a lot of comfort these past days/weeks.
He feels like a part of Wash that is still living.

The house gets emptier. Boxes to go out to be mailed to friends, or donated. Still so much more to go through. I manage so far to get through it in spurts.

It's putting me back in that state of shock I felt shortly after his passing; these holidays.
My mind hurts and numbs at the thought of waking up Christmas Eve and Christmas Day without him next to me.
No making coffee or special breakfasts. My family is suddenly so much smaller, that my mind just denies the idea of a "family" gathering without him. I keep trying, but the very act of just trying to imagine what that day will hold, what I would say, do, feel; becomes so overwhelming my brain just tells me it is not true.
I fear being around people who are happy at this time. I fear being the one to "bring them down". To be the reminder now of mortality. To have any of my true emotions come through, to still grieve, while others might be trying to celebrate. So many fears.
My brain says "Would it not be better for everyone else to just stay at home, out of sight and mind so others can have their normality?"
I do not know the answer.

I know there is something to make me smile that day; a nice surprise sent by friends. I will find out in two days.

It is a small thing, but I have a bit of Hope that after the New Year I will have the intense bereavement tide down, with less reminders of the big life events not to happen.

How has a year passed already?

How is it that it will be four months in a few weeks since he passed?

Time seems to be more bendy for me lately.

It passes fast, it creeps by, it stalls.

I've gone from living the last three years of my life in the moment, day to day; never knowing when might be his last with me. Never really being able to have any sort of long term plan; at all.
Now, I have to go back, so far back, and start again.



I am so tired.
So uncertain and scared.

I barely recall what it is like to wake up alone these days, end of December.
Mostly cold.
Full of longing.

I dislike night-time of late.

Minor Complications

I have to take Wash to the doctors' again; he's either having night seizures again/still or has

developed Sleepwalking (which may be seizures as well). To keep myself from freaking out

with

thoughts of him falling to his death on the stairs at night or just walking out the front door, I'll

tell the funny things he does in his sleep;

*Turn off all alarms on clocks and cellphones / re-set the digital clocks

*Tried to make the bed - with me still in it at 3am

*Tried to fold a blanket- again with me in it

*Took a jar of jelly out of the kitchen and placed it on a bookshelf in the living room

He will see his Internist today and hopefully his neuro will get him in in the next few days. The

last few times it has been "not a tumor". Every single time this happens that is what I wonder

and worry about; is it time now? Has it finally come back? This cancer has a 98-99% rate of

return. It's a "when" not "if". Neither of us is ready to fight another tumor. He's had two years

post surgery. That is both so short a time and so long all at once.

It does help to explain some of his behaviour this past week. His 4 hour afternoon naps make a

little more sense.

Right now every bit of good we can get means so much. I know but I'm not ready to admit

what is to come. I'm not ready to face the pain and grief that even denial will not save me from.

This story, our story, will not have a happy ending. Interludes perhaps, but little glioblastoma

multiforme does not make for "ending" that society loves to see. There is no cure coming

down the line. I HAVE to make the best of what we have, because there is no deus ex machina

for this.

So, we are going to try and go out to enjoy some lights tonight. Do some things with the

family. It is still my job to give him a Quality of Life high enough that he wants

to live. Sometimes that means holiday light displays, hot chocolate, and Tashi wearing closed

toed shoes. And snow.

Maccababy Miracle

I still have my old VHS tape of the Rugrats 'Channukah' special. I used to watch it EVERY year as a kid, sharing with as many friends as I had at the time.

As I got older, I never really "grew out" of watching it, even as I learned more and more about the actual history and stories of Hannukah.

I have played it for Wash a few times and he seemed to enjoy it, though not the process of actually hooking up the VCR to play it.

This year, I checked online first. Lo and behold the Maccababy Miracle, it's finally on Netflix Instant View. So, we're watching my old special looking great on Wash's tv (his nice one from his bachelor days).

I think we are both trying to make today a "good" day.

There was a lot of stress yesterday, on me, and from Wash.

He was not having a good brain day. I know he was mostly "there", but he got so angry, and said such .... horrible things to me. It was disturbing on so many levels just how deep his words could cut. I still wonder; does he say the things purely as a result of the brain cancer and surgeries, or is it because he knows me so well. His words, hurtful and nasty as they are, for me I wonder just how much truth they hold.

I wonder if he remembers or doesn't sleep as well after telling me I'm less than human. After telling me I'm such a freak I could not belong to any culture on the globe. There's more too, but I personally just want to forget the meaner shit he said.

I've mentioned here before that we both (before we even got married) agreed that our relationship would be the type where we work our shit out and we would not go to bed angry with each other.

For me, it is in some ways harder to do this since we found out about the cancer, and from a perspective easier. I know, I KNOW I have to forgive and at least let my anger go before bed. Easy to say, not always easy in action. Perspective though, tells me that doing it, even if it is so hard to work past the pain of the words or actions, doing it takes some of the pain and some of the stress off of me. If he dies in the night, or if I do, we end on the note and re-affirm that we do still love each other.

I worry always. There is always a chance something will happen in his brain and he just won't wake up as the same person. Every day holds that as an option.

It is hard, so hard to let go of the anger, and work on my own hurt/sad feelings.

I have not gotten anything for Wash yet for Hannukah or Christmas. He went out and "got" me a new small tool to replace my old one, so .... it will be interesting with the "presents" this year.

My present is that he is still alive. My present is that most days he remembers that I'm his wife and his nurse. My present is a good day means he can still talk a walk with me. My present is he still laughs, and he still -sometimes- can have discussions with me.

How am I supposed to ask for more?