Struggles

Redbox is giving me a free rental tomorrow.
Going to see Cloud/Atlas with my mum.
Eating dinner with my family at my favourite Mexican food restaurant.
Going bowling after.
Birthday pie.

I am going to try to enjoy it.

In truth, I am struggling a lot with stopping my brain from just constantly re-living the 25th, 26th, 27th of October 2009. When we found the tumor. When my life changed completely, and my world stopped on its axis.
When my future and dreams were stripped away by a connected group of rogue cells 9cmx5cmx3cm.

Tomorrow will be my first birthday as a Widow. My first birthday without my husband.

Today is even one minute at a time.

I have some great friends who sent me a LEGO set and Fringe. 

If anyone is wanting to send me a little "birthday" something, I do have a amazon wishlist, or the Fundly Site is still running for another two weeks. I do still need to figure out some monetary needs for his memorial service, and to cover back the cost of his body removal/cremation. Not surprisingly, his family did not help with that. Thankfully, we found a place to take care of it as "cost" so it was only a bit over $600... but as I still have not even received my $225.00 "funeral" settlement from Social Security...  there are stresses. 

Now is not the time to talk about those issues though. That just leads me to a place of hurt, anger, and betrayal. 

I've been painting a bit more, trying to take a walk each day, get myself out of the house and bed.

I'm starting to forget what he smelled like. 

Valentine Anniversary

I am also a Cat-Lady.

On 14th February 2012 my little cat turned 7 years old.

She's been my constant companion and most loyal friend for 7 years.

Happy Birthday Aelphaba Shadowplayer Pratt-King. May the Lords of the Catgods give me 7 more years to enjoy with you.

And may you enjoy like the best thing on Earth your can of tuna today.

AparTARDISment

The photos did not load quite right, but you'll get the basic idea.

So since we got together Wash and I have wanted to do something, anything, for Halloween. Every year we've been unable, so this year I decided to make sure we did it up right.

I cleaned our door and we both worked on our "TARDIS Makeover". I think it's quite keen.

We had a small birthday/halloween party for me this evening with a few good friends and some awesome costumes. The photos did not turn out real well though, Wash had the setting wrong. However, we did have another friend taking pictures as well, so those photo copies should be good.

There was a Wyld Hipster, 2 gals lost from the 1980's, Hello Kitty, Billy Mays, "John Dough" (the 'bad guy' driver from every race movie), and I dressed as a rigid airship Captain. All in all it was a great evening, we watched some halloween episodes of Buffy and "Hush" and "The Walking Dead". Some scares, good treats, and my birthday pumpkin pie!

Yes, it was fucking delicious.

Wash ended up literally spilling his all over his black suit. He got an extra piece of pie when he changed (he decided to go as the lawyer from Jurassic Park, right down to the socks) and we all had a good laugh. I've just got to get to the dry cleaner's now, but it's kind of nice, this would be the first time I've ever had to clean my husband's suit, and thankfully it's not for his funeral!

Just spilled pie!

We go back to the hospital tomorrow to find out his MRI results. Since they did not call us this weekend I'm assuming it's not urgently life threatening. I'm hoping hard for the best case.

Right now I'm trying to give him the best and most normal time I can. I honestly think that is the best I can do for him, to give him, to make him happy. We don't know what good or terrible news tomorrow will bring, but for tonight we got to just be a couple, dressing up, laughing with friend. We got to laugh, to smile, to joke, and to cuddle. I allowed myself to just enjoy the time and enjoy the company without trying to second guess myself too much; my thanks back to my love for helping with today was to enjoy myself and let him and my friends see that.

Damn fine pie at a damn fine birthday party.

And if Wash feels up to it tomorrow we'll stop by Goodwill and I can check for a skirt that would wear nice in Rio.

(wink)

Back to basics

Wash's med adjustment has left him more tired lately- common side effect. I've been feeling more tired lately, feeling like I have to do a lot more, worry more.

I spent a good chunk of time cleaning fish tanks this weekend. Scrubbing algae and cleaning water, protein skimming... Wash spent 6 days putting off cleaning the cat boxes and then almost 2 hours bitching before he cleaned them. The meds seem to make him a lot more whiny in the mornings. I've been switching to having him do his (like, 3) chores in the evenings.

I've also been trying hard to make sure he/we are getting out every day for some kind of a walk. I feel so lax on my exercise lately, and Wash won't get out of bed unprompted, so it all falls on me to be my own motivator and his. Hard stuff some days.

I've been trying to drive a little more lately to make sure I get over my fears/trauma of the tire blow out. I've noticed that I've become a lot more sensitive about night driving as well, which I haven't been since about '05 when we had the Baseline Rapist/Killer (s) out. I partly also wonder if my vision is getting worse and perhaps that is contributing towards my hesitation to drive. The weather is calming down some but not enough yet for Wash to really get to spend a lot of time outside.

We started to watch 'The Sopranos' this week; we're about halfway through the first season (neither of us has seen it before) and so far I find it hilarious. I imagine it might have some darker plot lines coming, but to me watching it now, there's just a level of humor at the writing I can't deny.

So far I've managed to go halfway through October without a major pinkwashing/cancer mental break. I'm happy and proud for that. I've separated off contact with a few people who I know would say some stupid shit this month and I have a core of good friends around who 'get' how the Pinkwashing makes me feel. All cancers suck, true... however it is brain cancer that is going to take my husband and I wish it would get even half the attention/awareness.

October also marks my birthday- coming up at the end of the month.

I always seem to get (extra) depressed around then. I don't think it is seasonal as I love fall and winter and spend time outside. It is just clockwork since I was about 6 or so that the 2 weeks or so before my birthday I just feel more depressed, less social, more anxious...

I just want it to be over. I am always expecting something horrid to happen, and honestly almost losing Wash on my 23rd was beyond no fun. Breaking my arm for my 8th. Having a family member forget my 16th. Being vomited on by someone on my 10th.

I don't have a real good feeling relationship with my own birthday.

I'll be 25 this year. Young, it was how old Wash was when he was diagnosed and given less than 2 years to live. At the same time, I've lived lifetimes in as long as I have been alive, I feel this absolute divide with my youth now. Somehow it is all done and wrapped up, no more 'kid fun'. I feel robbed to a degree. This unfairness of life, which cast me so mature so very very very young has yet again found a way to toss me to the side of what society tells us is 'success'.

Some things in life change, mature, grow. Some things stay static. Both can be good or bad or even both.

I just don't know where I am anymore.