Monday, September 24, 2012
Lisey's Story
I'm watching Leto sitting across the room on the rocking chair getting quite angry at his tail for being attached to his butt and not complying with his cleaning demands.
Earlier this morning he tackled his sister and held her down while he groomed her head.
They've been needy and clingy lately. I don't like going out for too long of a period not just for my foot, but because I worry it is a stress for them.
Leto is getting better about not just waiting and crying by the door, but he is doing a lot of the things he did with Wash, with me now. Including trying to sleep on me. Which, is a new thing.
Aelphie usually sleeps by my feet or head. Her choice. Leto always prefers the feet/legs (which was cause for concern the other day when I woke to a terribly sore foot quite probably from a 15 lb cat sleeping all night on me) so every so often in the night there is a tussle; I've been getting better sleep in the Library/2nd room but it's a twin bed, not the Queen sized that is in our/(my?) bedroom. Plenty of room for both kitties on the Queen.
On the Twin, with me? Not so much.
We're all adjusting.
I'm doing a bit better mood wise, more stable with the anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. I'm ok taking some "heavy stuff" now that I'm no longer looking after another person, and with my broken right foot, it'll be months still before I'm driving anywhere (sadly, honestly, at least two. More if I need PT since the right side is the one with the bad ACL. I would not be safe behind the wheel. Not to mention my mental distractions...) which is good in that I'm pretty drowsy on it (though, perhaps that is just the exhaustion finally overcoming things and setting in to make me rest) and staying indoors means I can do very little damage or harm.
My Chanter arrived and I've just been trying to re-learn how to breath and play a reed instrument, and get my lungs in a better position. The asthma meds I've been on all summer have really worked, and I finally do feel like I've started to get some breath back in me. In a literal and figurative sense, I guess.
Nights are still the hardest. Sleeping in the big bed without him... I did do it for years before he came along, true, but I had very much gotten used to sleeping next to someone, next to him.
His breathing patterns. His touch. His smell.
For the first few days it gave me comfort to sleep where I could still smell him on the pillow. Now, I'm still not ready to wash/toss our old sheet set/his pillows (several people have offered to get me new pillows and linens. I will take them up on it when I am ready) but, I get a better sleep in the other room; where I can smell books instead of just... him, I suppose?
I've had a lovely show of support in the last bit; it's impossible for me to conceive of the idea that is has almost been two weeks now without him. Thank you for sharing kind words with me, stories, and your own encouragement. I've read them all; most two or three times.
Time has become a new concept to me. The timing of everything. Time that seems to stretch on for so long now. Time, which had been like long taffy being pulled, suddenly cut into a tiny square, gone all too fast.
3 years gone in the blink of an eye. 4 years gone after a night's sleep for a few seconds when I woke the other morning. The disconnect. What is real, what is not? Seeing his death legally laid out; pretty clear. Seeing his body; again, pretty clear.
In the TARDIS though, now... it's changed. What to do with all this time? Time promised to him.
I feel quite lost and scared most of the time. Today it hurts especially hard, even with the help of the meds, because I am seeing the foot specialist. Though it is a rare option, surgery is still on the table as a possible option for my foot at this point, and that terrifies me, even more than remembering every bad moment with Wash's tumor.
I wish he was here. I wish he was making his pun jokes, and doing what he could to distract me. I miss the level of comfort he gave to me on a level across the board. He was like a warm blanket on a cold night, but as a person, he just radiated comfort and love. At least, to me.
At the same time that I am starting to move forward in some small ways; getting rid of his death shroud, working on the memorial, finding new hobbies, trying to do things that don't involve making my feet worse, I am starting to have guilty feelings for not just ... sobbing?
I know this is the start of "Survivor Guilt" and I'm hoping my shitty insurance will get me in to see someone sooner than 8 weeks from now. I try to use a little trick from my CBT days to identify those specific guilt thoughts and let them go. Because Wash would most truly not have wanted me to be suffering (well, extra) right now. Not at my own making.
I am not Queen Victoria. [sadly. In this life]
I did not have 12 children with the man I loved. Or get almost 20 years together.
But I also am 25. I cannot lay out his clothes every day. I cannot lay out a place setting for him every day, and eventually, I will need to clean up his desk to make it more usable for my own self. I will pass on some of his books as he wanted, so others can read and enjoy them.
However, I have noticed I feel more comfortable carrying or wearing something with a TARDIS on it if I leave the house. I am not sure how "good" or "bad" or anything that really is.
It's hard still, to live hour by hour. But I do strive for that next hour to come, and I'm trying to rest enough to find myself and figure out what it is I will do now with my time.
It may be 60 years now before I go. That to me, in this moment, seems a far too long of a time to remain depressed and waiting for Death.
I do not fear Death (I don't think Wash did in the end either) but, I want to find reasons to keep living. I want to have a purpose again.
It's just hard to figure that part out when my heart cries so loud it drowns out my brain.
Earlier this morning he tackled his sister and held her down while he groomed her head.
They've been needy and clingy lately. I don't like going out for too long of a period not just for my foot, but because I worry it is a stress for them.
Leto is getting better about not just waiting and crying by the door, but he is doing a lot of the things he did with Wash, with me now. Including trying to sleep on me. Which, is a new thing.
Aelphie usually sleeps by my feet or head. Her choice. Leto always prefers the feet/legs (which was cause for concern the other day when I woke to a terribly sore foot quite probably from a 15 lb cat sleeping all night on me) so every so often in the night there is a tussle; I've been getting better sleep in the Library/2nd room but it's a twin bed, not the Queen sized that is in our/(my?) bedroom. Plenty of room for both kitties on the Queen.
On the Twin, with me? Not so much.
We're all adjusting.
I'm doing a bit better mood wise, more stable with the anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. I'm ok taking some "heavy stuff" now that I'm no longer looking after another person, and with my broken right foot, it'll be months still before I'm driving anywhere (sadly, honestly, at least two. More if I need PT since the right side is the one with the bad ACL. I would not be safe behind the wheel. Not to mention my mental distractions...) which is good in that I'm pretty drowsy on it (though, perhaps that is just the exhaustion finally overcoming things and setting in to make me rest) and staying indoors means I can do very little damage or harm.
My Chanter arrived and I've just been trying to re-learn how to breath and play a reed instrument, and get my lungs in a better position. The asthma meds I've been on all summer have really worked, and I finally do feel like I've started to get some breath back in me. In a literal and figurative sense, I guess.
Nights are still the hardest. Sleeping in the big bed without him... I did do it for years before he came along, true, but I had very much gotten used to sleeping next to someone, next to him.
His breathing patterns. His touch. His smell.
For the first few days it gave me comfort to sleep where I could still smell him on the pillow. Now, I'm still not ready to wash/toss our old sheet set/his pillows (several people have offered to get me new pillows and linens. I will take them up on it when I am ready) but, I get a better sleep in the other room; where I can smell books instead of just... him, I suppose?
I've had a lovely show of support in the last bit; it's impossible for me to conceive of the idea that is has almost been two weeks now without him. Thank you for sharing kind words with me, stories, and your own encouragement. I've read them all; most two or three times.
Time has become a new concept to me. The timing of everything. Time that seems to stretch on for so long now. Time, which had been like long taffy being pulled, suddenly cut into a tiny square, gone all too fast.
3 years gone in the blink of an eye. 4 years gone after a night's sleep for a few seconds when I woke the other morning. The disconnect. What is real, what is not? Seeing his death legally laid out; pretty clear. Seeing his body; again, pretty clear.
In the TARDIS though, now... it's changed. What to do with all this time? Time promised to him.
I feel quite lost and scared most of the time. Today it hurts especially hard, even with the help of the meds, because I am seeing the foot specialist. Though it is a rare option, surgery is still on the table as a possible option for my foot at this point, and that terrifies me, even more than remembering every bad moment with Wash's tumor.
I wish he was here. I wish he was making his pun jokes, and doing what he could to distract me. I miss the level of comfort he gave to me on a level across the board. He was like a warm blanket on a cold night, but as a person, he just radiated comfort and love. At least, to me.
At the same time that I am starting to move forward in some small ways; getting rid of his death shroud, working on the memorial, finding new hobbies, trying to do things that don't involve making my feet worse, I am starting to have guilty feelings for not just ... sobbing?
I know this is the start of "Survivor Guilt" and I'm hoping my shitty insurance will get me in to see someone sooner than 8 weeks from now. I try to use a little trick from my CBT days to identify those specific guilt thoughts and let them go. Because Wash would most truly not have wanted me to be suffering (well, extra) right now. Not at my own making.
I am not Queen Victoria. [sadly. In this life]
I did not have 12 children with the man I loved. Or get almost 20 years together.
But I also am 25. I cannot lay out his clothes every day. I cannot lay out a place setting for him every day, and eventually, I will need to clean up his desk to make it more usable for my own self. I will pass on some of his books as he wanted, so others can read and enjoy them.
However, I have noticed I feel more comfortable carrying or wearing something with a TARDIS on it if I leave the house. I am not sure how "good" or "bad" or anything that really is.
It's hard still, to live hour by hour. But I do strive for that next hour to come, and I'm trying to rest enough to find myself and figure out what it is I will do now with my time.
It may be 60 years now before I go. That to me, in this moment, seems a far too long of a time to remain depressed and waiting for Death.
I do not fear Death (I don't think Wash did in the end either) but, I want to find reasons to keep living. I want to have a purpose again.
It's just hard to figure that part out when my heart cries so loud it drowns out my brain.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Memorial Service
Stream-lining the information for Wash's memorial service.
It will be December 8th, 2012 at a location just North of Phoenix, AZ. [It's about a 40 min drive from central Phoenix]
Please add me on FB [and send a message you are from the blog] or send me an email if you would like more specific information to attend.
***********************************************************************************
To that end, Wash had asked his guest not wear traditional "Reservoir Dogs" type suits. He wanted colors, and I can imagine he would be please as well if anyone chose to Cos-Play and dress as someone from Doctor Who / Firefly/ BSG.
Wear a Jayne hat if you have one.
More details will come as the plans are all settled and confirmed. Wash had made me promise not to make anyone come out to Arizona in the "110+ F degree heat!"
He also made me promise to buy something pretty and new for the occasion. I don't really care about clothes... at all. He knew this. I think that is why he was so specific. So, I am either to find a lovely new Sari to wear, or Kaylee's pink dress from "Shindig".
I am hoping my asthma will be cleared up enough by then to be able to play his Didgeridoo. I mean, I have my own, but I never played his, and this seems like a good occasion to do so.
I loved that about him; someone else who not only loved to listen to bagpipes, but played and owned Didgeridoos. [Yes, I am aware of the cultural issues of a female playing the instrument, not the time for that discussion]
I think I will also be checking to find a way to live-broadcast the service online for his friends around the globe who can't make it there. He would have loved that.
***********************************************************************************
I'm trying to keep busy, without being on my foot.
I got in to see a surgeon/specialist next week, so for now I just stay off it as much as I can, and wear Das Boot. I did a little more cleaning, and hope to have some help come over this weekend to clean out the downstairs bath (which he had to use for safety) so it can be a functioning guest bathroom again, and clean up the kitchen so all the pills can go away... I can use my counters again, get rid of the excess food for him; his meat, special stuff, certain teas. I will probably pass along some of the excess plate-wear as well... why do I as a single person now need service for 12?
Small steps. Soon I'll set out some boxes for certain friends and start filling them with his stuff like he wanted. I think the/our bedroom will be the last thing I do. I'm not ready yet to change it so much. I do want and need to pass along all his really nice clothes to the local places that give them to folks who need nice clothes for interviews/work. Before he got sick he was a fastidious dresser and I know (we'd talked) he wanted someone else to benefit.
I'm keeping his "Wash" Hawai'ian shirt though. I will probably never give that one up.
The cats are slowly adjusting. They both sleep a lot closer together and play fight maybe once a day now, not several times. Aelphie has even on a few time been caught grooming Leto's tail. They don't seem to like to be left alone though, they follow me around the house to every room.
I might make a video update later; it would give me a reason to shower and brush my hair.
It will be December 8th, 2012 at a location just North of Phoenix, AZ. [It's about a 40 min drive from central Phoenix]
Please add me on FB [and send a message you are from the blog] or send me an email if you would like more specific information to attend.
***********************************************************************************
To that end, Wash had asked his guest not wear traditional "Reservoir Dogs" type suits. He wanted colors, and I can imagine he would be please as well if anyone chose to Cos-Play and dress as someone from Doctor Who / Firefly/ BSG.
Wear a Jayne hat if you have one.
More details will come as the plans are all settled and confirmed. Wash had made me promise not to make anyone come out to Arizona in the "110+ F degree heat!"
He also made me promise to buy something pretty and new for the occasion. I don't really care about clothes... at all. He knew this. I think that is why he was so specific. So, I am either to find a lovely new Sari to wear, or Kaylee's pink dress from "Shindig".
I am hoping my asthma will be cleared up enough by then to be able to play his Didgeridoo. I mean, I have my own, but I never played his, and this seems like a good occasion to do so.
I loved that about him; someone else who not only loved to listen to bagpipes, but played and owned Didgeridoos. [Yes, I am aware of the cultural issues of a female playing the instrument, not the time for that discussion]
I think I will also be checking to find a way to live-broadcast the service online for his friends around the globe who can't make it there. He would have loved that.
***********************************************************************************
I'm trying to keep busy, without being on my foot.
I got in to see a surgeon/specialist next week, so for now I just stay off it as much as I can, and wear Das Boot. I did a little more cleaning, and hope to have some help come over this weekend to clean out the downstairs bath (which he had to use for safety) so it can be a functioning guest bathroom again, and clean up the kitchen so all the pills can go away... I can use my counters again, get rid of the excess food for him; his meat, special stuff, certain teas. I will probably pass along some of the excess plate-wear as well... why do I as a single person now need service for 12?
Small steps. Soon I'll set out some boxes for certain friends and start filling them with his stuff like he wanted. I think the/our bedroom will be the last thing I do. I'm not ready yet to change it so much. I do want and need to pass along all his really nice clothes to the local places that give them to folks who need nice clothes for interviews/work. Before he got sick he was a fastidious dresser and I know (we'd talked) he wanted someone else to benefit.
I'm keeping his "Wash" Hawai'ian shirt though. I will probably never give that one up.
The cats are slowly adjusting. They both sleep a lot closer together and play fight maybe once a day now, not several times. Aelphie has even on a few time been caught grooming Leto's tail. They don't seem to like to be left alone though, they follow me around the house to every room.
I might make a video update later; it would give me a reason to shower and brush my hair.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Spoilers, Sweetie
Kevin Pratt-King came home today; for the last time.
As per his wishes he will have a part of himself shot off in rockets(details to come); the rest he wished to travel in his custom made TARDIS urn.
Only Kevin "Wash" knows how much bigger it is on the inside, or how big the pool in the library is, but he is where he wanted, and hopefully starting amazing new adventures.
Thank you to everyone who has shared his story.
Thank you to everyone for your amazing show of support for his family.
Thank you to his fellow Browncoats for carrying him, and thank you to his Whovian brethren and fellow geeks (and CF4L) to help make sure his final wishes would be carried out.
His energy was only in this form for 28 short years, but his love touched the world.
I'm not sure what his next regeneration would look like (he'd hope for Ginger too) but I know he'd tell me, "Shh, Spoilers."
You are now a Leaf on the Wind Wash; we will watch how you soar.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Waiting on the Giggle Loop
Hard morning.
First Monday; first start of a week (and New Year) without the man I expected to spend my life with.
I'm hoping to bring him home today.
I feel too young today. Too young, too hurt.
It's like the most perverted cultural opposite; this time I will be carrying his ashes over our threshold.
How does one even prepare for that moment?
I've been trying to be/sleep at home more. Some nights I can do it, some nights I cannot.
It hurt waking up today.
It hurt to hear the kitties cry. They have food, water, litter.
They just miss their Dad. I do too.
Aelphie and I had each other for a few years before Wash came around. It took her most of a year to even accept him.
Leto has only EVER known life with his dad. His whole existence has been keeping his dad company through the day. It hurts to see them confused and not have the words to let them know he is not coming back.
I have good moments and bad. Good minutes, bad hours.
I hear the ticking of Wash's pocketwatch. I've been keeping it wound for him.
Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick.
One, two, three, four.
He still carries my heartbeat.
I'm wondering if I should watch Firefly, BSG, Doctor Who, or Torchwood for him today.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
You...You were Fantastic!
"Death cannot stop True Love; it can only delay it for a while."
"I love you, Wash."
"As you Wish, Tashi."
Thank you all for your kind words.
Wash was a Saganist and a Doctor Who lover.
He knew he came from stardust and atoms, and he knew he was going back to that.
His energy is not gone, or destroyed. Just... wibbly wobbly a bit away from MY linear time.
Wash is the only person I know who made it almost 3 decades of life... with not a bad thought or word to be said about him. He was beyond special. Beyond unique.
He was more than my 1 in 6,000,000,000.
He resonated in my soul. He kept my heart beating.
And I know he would think it is no greater honor than to introduce all of you to the wonders of the Whoverse and Science Fiction.
His fraternity brother made the comment, "He was a geek evangelist!" ... he was.
He wanted everyone to love his shows and movies with the same passion he had.
Right now, every time I see a TARDIS... I tell him I love him.
Somewhere in Time and Space, he is out there now.
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