Finally feel like making something for myself to eat. My house smells like matzoh ball soup now. Good comfort food to me.

I am not doing well today. Very depressed. Very tearful. Miss him. I cant understand how deep my own grief is. Breathing is complex. Why?

Finally fell asleep in our bed last night and actually slept. New milestone. Did not wake up crying today.

Bad Things, Good People

My eyes are so gorram puffy from more than 12 hours of crying today.

It's just been a day of grief. 
I've been sad, missing him, seeing reminders of everything everywhere.

I tried cleaning, walking, gardening, painting, reading, napping... no real luck at any "positive" activities/distractions.

The cats have been good at needing pets and love from me today at least.

I feel empty and hollow.
I miss my best friend, my secret keeper, my partner.
I do feel like I'm half a person right now.

I'm calling the lawyer tomorrow about something which might be an issue, but I think legally won't. I want confirmation from him on this though. 

I'll post pics later when I get copies from the Out Of Town friends who came by this week/end.

It was a nice relief to get out, see friends, get hugs.

My friend, and Wash's, Rose* was one of them who came in, she lives far away so this was her first chance since he passed.

It was nice to catch up a little with her, and just have those moments to remember him, to laugh, to cry.

I was ok to be whatever I needed around her. 

Then, she left.

It's a hard adjustment.

The house, the emptiness. 

Going to a routine seems harder than breathing at this point.

I am just aimless. 

Spent most of the day crying and sobbing. Even while cleaning. Guess it is a harder day grief wise missing him. I miss his smell his voice.

"Nothing's gonna change my world nothing's going to change my world." spent my first hour crying this morning. I miss my heart.

Leto, being adorable

Had some nightmares again last night, but I was able to control them more.
I woke up feeling better than I have in a while.

Still broke down and sobbed for a bit in the shower this morning.

The cats have been cuddly lately. Super cute. Needy. I'm ok with this, and spoiling them right now. Maybe we all need it.

My friend R* is here from the Pacific North West on work, and then she's spending the weekend with me before she leaves.
We've known each other for years.
She knew Wash.
She's also lost someone close to her to (a different kind) brain cancer.
So, she knows.

Hour by hour, some worse than others, but I just hold on to Hope that somehow it will start to get better, at some point.
I still Hope it will.

While I had a busy time working out at physical therapy Leto was busy hunting and catching crickets! He left two for me as a "gift". Cats.

Stranger on a bus

The nightmares have started.

Me forever chasing after him; only seeing his back, never having him turn around to face me, thinking he cannot hear me as I chase after him in a very dimly lit hall.

The water comes up at camp, we are all in one cabin together and then in a flash of lightening outside I see him; swimming against the current, drowning.

I am quite worried if these nightmares continue.
I'm still not getting "good" solid sleep yet, and this just scares me away from the bed completely.


The kitties remain ok. They're getting used to all the changes; Leto will still stay by the door if I'm downstairs, but he's pretty clingy still and does not like leaving my side unless he is playing with his sister.
Aelphie has been quiet now for about two weeks; no crying from her.

She also as the oldest cat, and mine, knew Wash before he was sick. She smelled the first changes in him. I think this might be easier for her to cope with right now than me, or Leto.
Leto I don't think he quite understands yet his dad is not coming back.

I've painted a little more. Cleaned.

I'm pretty much done with closing stuff for Wash; I have to make confirmation calls this week that everyone got the papers last week, but one tiny benefit of dying young and poor is the "estate" as it were is taken care of pretty fast.

Which means I am now officially "unemployed".
That word is almost as scary as hearing Wash's name right now.

I can't type anymore today.

Burning Judgement

I finished the painting last night.


I've decided after waking up sore (again, with both cats sleeping ON me) to put off more cleaning today. I don't think it's good physically or emotionally for me today.

I need a day just to rest, to not have to do things "for" Wash still (like paperwork).



I'm listening to bagpipes this morning and thinking of him.