Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Mourning Calls

Not been very functional lately.

Over the last week there have been deaths around me; close friends losing loved ones I knew, or who were at different points in time, my mentors.

It's been hard to move, think, talk, or do anything.
Too much time crying.

My medication is helping to keep me from going down an even deeper hole, but I just can't anything.

I called Hospice, hopefully they can give me some help.

I can't focus on anything else, I can't sleep- and when I do; it's just nightmares and screaming. Screaming myself awake.

I can't turn off these thoughts in my head. Flashbacks, visions, whatever.
It's all just become too overwhelming. Too hard- no not hard, no goal. No motivation, nothing to search or strive for.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could handle this.

I wish I knew how to live when it feels like my heart won't beat and I'm missing half of myself.
I wish I knew how to live when it feels like there is the voice and thoughts of a dead man I loved in my head.

I need help.
I don't feel 26 years old this week. I am young and scared, and far too old.


  1. Tashi, when I've felt depressed about the loss of someone I really loved I found it most helpful to stop dwelling on my feelings and think about other people, get involved with something. Take a walk, volunteer, help other people. It takes the focus off your own sorrow and really helps your self-esteem. You said yourself that you have no goals right now: the greatest tribute you could make to Wash is to follow the dreams you had together - go back to school. It's what he would have wanted, you've said so yourself many times. Start with even one class. Apply for financial aid for next semester. Make Wash proud of you! He would not want you to stop living and shut yourself off. You can do it and you will never regret it!

  2. Calling Hospice was a good thing to do. And it's VERY good that you recognize that you need help and can ask for it. Don't underestimate how hard and important that was. It was a big accomplishment.

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