Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
It's been kinda hard lately. My immediate family has pretty much said "frak you" to me and giving me any support. My own mum right now has to deal with "her issues first" and can't be there for me, and she's "sorry you think *you're* sick" for me.
I don't *think* mom. I was in the hospital. I had a fraking organ removed. And part of my liver. It hurts still. My own doctors tell me to take it easier because even they know what physically I have gone through.
So, it hurts. Wash has been working so hard though to make me feel loved and wanted and cared for. I just worry what will happen when he's gone?
Woke up early this morning from my nightmare- feel like my stomach is just pure acid and yuck.
Can't even think about work really. I don't know what's going to happen with me or my job or what? I have to work or we can't live. I have to watch Wash or he won't live. I can't work full time or we lose health coverage.
It's a fairly horrid spot to be in.
My bright happy spot so far has been to get more plants, veg, fruits to put and expand my garden- yay. Also, my cousins are in town this week- trying to see them.
And best news of all, my eldest bro is coming in from Japan for about 4 days to see us! It's been about 2 years since I last saw him- he hasn't even met Wash in person ever! I miss my bigger brother a LOT, so this makes me quite happy.
It's just everything else I worry about.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
so many bad feelings. why doesn't my family care? why doesn't his? why are my friends avoiding me? why are they not there for me- when I have always been there for them come shit-to-fan time?
why the double standard? why is he more special? why is he loved more? what did I do?
life's just unfair. I really really actually realized today that I will never get anything I want or desire in life now.
The only thing I was allowed was him- and the cruelest thing is I end up losing him anyway.
never going to grow old with my husband. never going to have a house together. never going to get to build one. never going to be a family. never going to have our child. never going to have a child. never going to adopt. never going to be a doctor. never get to see our 25th anniversary. never able to afford any new large purchase. never going to have good credit again. never eligible for health insurance again.
who will tell me everyday that I am loved when he's gone?
lords, it's a bad day.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I can only cry that we make this milestone.
April- May of last year was the start of something being 'off'.
June-July of last year I was putting up silently with a monster.
August-Sept of last year I was crying at the thought of getting divorced before the first year.
October1- 25th of last year I was at the point of leaving the abuse.
October 26th of last year was my 23 birthday. It was the day I found out my husband had been taken over by a tumor, and he could die and may die from it.
October 29th of last year his surgeries were all complete. 99% resection of frontal 8cm cancerous brain tumor. When he woke that day I got my - my husband back.
He made it through November with me. We fought the cancer with chemo and radiation in Dec and Jan. He was clean in Feb.
It's March 13th.
Tomorrow we make it the year.
I want more. I want more days, more weeks, more months, more years with him.
I just got him back.
But he did come back. For me.
Thank you G-d, for giving my husband back to me. Please let me keep him now.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I am so thankful we both survived the tumour ridden tumultuous summer; and that he survived the brain surgeries and the chemo and the radiation to make it this far as well.
There is an uncertainty for us right now.
As scary as it might be; the rewards are worth every second.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
We're getting tickets to the Live gLee! concert when it comes to town in May.
I love that man.
I'm horrifically anxious this week. Crap.
I was scheduled to go in for ~6 hours of work today- made it to about 4 then asked my boss for early off; clocked out after 5 hours.
Prolly going to work 4 hours over a 6 hour shift down there this week (yes, I clock out). I'm just so exhausted- Wash says it's good and it means I'm healing. I still can't fully bend and such, but I am getting more mobile and slowly being able to get around on my own and without my cane.
I had my therapy session moved to Wed afternoon; there's a lot to fill my guy in on.
I'm waiting for Wash to get his strength back from his chemo round last week. Even after one year of marriage and two (ish) together I still find him damn attractive to me, hella sexy, and there's really not a day that goes by without me groping him in some way. Of course I love his brain and his personality, but I like to really let him know that I still find him wonderfully attractive.